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and the awesome fairies Linzy and Shell.

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Dearest friend humans.

Thanks very much for all the nice comments and messages about the BBC radio show. Very nice.

And thank you for coming to my shows in Brisbane and Perth. If you did. If you didn’t, that’s ok.

Below I’ve copied an article I wrote for Drum Media mag here in Aust. Some of you would have seen it. It’s about Christmas. Which is timely.

Have fun ChristMAS times wherever you are. See you in the New Year. You are all wonderfully nice.

Snogs.

tx

The History of Christmas. by Tim.

Christmas to me means writing a column about Christmas. The only time I ever get asked to write columns is at this time of year. An editor of a music magazine somewhere says, Who are we going to get to write a column about Christmas? We need someone moderately well-known, musical and preferably comic. And some spotty intern says, How about moderately-well-known musical comedian Tim Minchin? And the editor says… well the editor says, Yes.

I do understand my task here. I understand that I am expected to produce some amusing whimsy about turkey with in-laws and drunken blowjobs at office parties and why no one ever gives Myrrh and more. What ever happened to Myrrh?, I might write, and you might think, Good point, C-grade celebrity Tim Minchin, good point. What did ever happen to Myrrh? And that would be nice. Because we would have achieved empathy.

But instead I am going to write a short History of Christmas. Note: everything I write is true.

Go.

Christmas was originally a Roman pagan festival of lawlessness called Saturnalia. For a week, no one could get arrested for wrecking shit or going nuts. There was lots of singing in the nude (a practice recommended by Tim), plenty of shagging (also recommended by Tim), some rape (not recommended by Tim, but you can watch heaps of it on CSI SVU – I heart modern morality), and some eating of human-shaped biscuits (Tim impartial). It was fun for everyone. Well… nearly everyone. See, at the beginning of the week they’d find a dude who they didn’t like (could be a chick, whatever, lay off) and they’d feed him loads of food and make him shag and party and stuff and then at the end of Saturnalia they’d kill him. Totally kill him dead. Kill the living fuck out of him. Ostensibly in order to ward off evil forces and enemies of Rome.

Saturnalia was – understandably – pretty popular. Completely amoral behaviour (not immoral – who am I to judge?) and a wee bit of human sacrifice. If they’d had cameras, it would have made perfect reality TV. (But they didn’t have cameras, not for many many years yet. In fact not until Joseph Nicéphore Niépce squeezed out his first image over an 8 hour period in 1827. Eight hours! Bet he didn’t delete that fucker, even if it made him look fat or whatever.) So when the homies who were running the increasingly pop cult of Christianity wanted to get more members, they decided they’d just tell everyone that Jesus (or whatever his name was) was born on the final day of the festival, which was… wait for it… December 25th. (Actually, the most likely date of the big J’s b’day is thought to be September 11th. How fucking weird is that? Someone make a documentary.) In this way, the Christian leaders back then were very similar to the leaders of the Pentecostal churches of today: to increase membership, you just change the frickin rules dude. Reinterpret the story. Like reinterpreting the Lord of the Rings to make it about lanky people with hairless feet on a journey to get rid of a necklace. Don’t fucking start me.

So Jesus was introduced and the hitherto pagan Romans just shrugged their shoulders and went with it. They didn’t really care about the justification for getting nude and singing and rooting and eating person-biscuits, as long as they still got the week off. Of course, even back then the Christian church was pretty into their moral directives and all, and they weren’t really sure how the traditions of Saturnalia fitted in with said directives, but they really wanted to get their numbers up, so they just started calling it Christmas and let the Romie Homie’s get on with the raping and the eating of the gingerbread men (or women, whatever, lay off).

To reiterate: the church put Jesus’s name to a festival of sexual abuse and human sacrifice in order to increase income. Oh, and here’s a cool thing: you know how Jews are always banging on about how their people have been so mistreated through the ages? Blah blah blah. Well in 1460ish, Pope Paul the Twoth revived some of the old Saturnalia ways for the amusement of the Roman people by force-feeding a whole lot of Jews food and booze and then making them race naked through the streets while all the good Catholics laughed at them. I think it’s a hilarious idea, and I don’t know why Jews are so sensitive. Maybe ol’ Pope Benedict should revive the tradition, but use gays instead of Jews. It’d be just as funny I reckon.

I know what you’re thinking: “But where does Tim Allen come into this?”. I’m getting there, alright?

Nicking bits of other cults was the bit of business development strategy that made Christianity what it is today. Another example: the church encouraged decorating Christmas trees when they were trying (successfully) to pinch the members of the pagan hippy mob, the Asheira cult. Oh and I assume you know about Santa? He was a Turkish bishop called Nicholas who was the dude who first called Jewish people the “children of the devil”. Bless him. He was idolised by these sailor dudes who took his bones to Italy where he usurped the stocking-filling attributes of a local lady-deity known as The Grandmother. The cult spread to the Germans and the Celts where Nick got mixed up with Woden (big white beard, rode a flying horse), then the Christians took him on board to try to… wait for it… increase membership. Time passes, Coca Cola hires a Swedish artist to make a Santa who drinks coke, and now here we are, 5 years old in Myer Perth city, sitting on the knee of a fat man in a red suit who is touching our thigh and asking us what we want for Christmas and the answer is: to get away from you, you obese, sweaty, antisemitic paedo fuck.

Hold on, hold on, I’ve skipped a bit. Roughly one thousand nine hundred and fifty three years after the birth of Joshua (or whatever his name was) and twenty-two years after the birth of Santa Cola, a boychild was born in Denver, Colorado to Gerald and Martha Dick. His name was Timothy Dick. Timothy Allen Dick.

Tim Dick’s dad died in a car accident when he was eleven, and his mum married an Episcopalian deacon two years later. When Tim was twenty-five he was arrested on drug (dunno which type) charges and spent two years in gaol, after which he changed his name to Tim Allen and made the hit ABC comedy series Home Improvement before bringing us the cinematic joy of The Santa Clause 1, The Santa Clause 2 and The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause.

A clause can be defined as an article, stipulation or proviso in a treaty, bill or contract. In the case of Allen’s seminal trilogy, it is a pun.

In the case of the above sentence, the word seminal is a pun.

Have a spoofy Christmas.

Leave a Comment

29 Comments

Tabitha Maser-Clarke on 14th of December 2011

Ahhh, brilliant. I love it. I must be able to get it into my school RS work somewhere and quote Tim. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Alanna on 13th of December 2011

I must say, this is amazing

Laura Martin on 4th of January 2011

Hi Tim,

What can I say but love love love your work, your intelligence, wit and sublime music.

On another note, I’ve always been partial to men who wear eyeliner (guyliner)?

Wishing you and yours a fabulous 2011.

Snogs
x

Jesus Christ the 789th on 3rd of January 2011

naked Jews, revelry, debauchery, sex, …a bit of rape! inebriation! Where do I sign up!.?

instead of Jews , what about politicians? With a lucky dip homicidal night!?

Jessie on 30th of December 2010

Friggin LOVE IT!!!

Just got my tix to see you at the Palais in St Kilda…cant wait :)

Claire on 24th of December 2010

Merry christMAS , I actually lol’d at this but I will just say MAS ;)

Tim Minchin · A Not Very Creative Christmas Eve Blog on 24th of December 2010

[…] I’d love to write a witty Christmas blog, but I think I’ve said all I could possibly hope to say already this year, in various forms, about various things, and I’m too snotty and shivery to think anyway. If you want to read the sort of thing I might write if I were feeling less knackered, here’s a column I wrote some years ago about Christmas. […]

PDX Outsider » Yes, exactly. on 29th of December 2008

[…] [EDIT: This apace was originally occupied by an embedded YouTube video, a bootleg audio recording and text transcription of Minchin doing this beatniky jazz poem thing about suffering through a dinner party with a platitude-yapping new ager. The YouTuber took down the video, probably because someone involved with the 9 Lessons And Carols For The Godless show asked him to. While I’m hunting for a replacement of some sort, go read Minchin’s blog entry from last Christmas.] […]

n8theist on 4th of December 2008

Love it… Sendind to all contacts

Shelley on 27th of January 2008

haha funny stuff tim.

love it. im a huge fan saw you on spicks and specks one time
liked the song you performed :P my friend is an even bigger fan honestly lol shes almost embarrasing. :D haha it was long but worth it.

marika on 23rd of January 2008

hey tim
you are amazing !
like you are the best piano player ever !

your lyrics are really good and you always seem to make them rhyme as well…..
i recently saw the dvd of one of your “so live” gigs at the opera house
it was hilarious !
best wishes for the future.xx

Sarah on 17th of January 2008

Tim, please please come back to wollongong.

your ace.

ta. :D

Evelyn Froend on 15th of January 2008

I wouldn’t normally do this, however I just wanted to tell Tim what a fantastic and talented man he is. I went to see your show at His Majesty’s about a month ago, just after I finished my final year 12 exams, and you were amazingly, wonderfully fantastic! You have such skill – I have now started – albeit poorly – to teach myself the piano. I have both your CDs (Darkside and So Rock) on my Ipod, and know almost every song off by heart. Although not a really funny person myself, I do act, and so I know how hard it is to get up on stage and project yourself to an audience of people you have never met – and I applaud you.
Thank you for your amazing talents! :)

Joe on 10th of January 2008

Dear Tim, I don’t understand how this festival-christmas of old is any different to the current christmas-festival.
Mine has always consisted of gross amounts of alchohol, food, human-biscuits and orgies. (did it say orgies or did I selective-read that into existance?)
Sincerely, Me.

Lucie Breton on 9th of January 2008

Hey,I’ve seen loooads of your songs on the tinterweb and they’re all really good. What I want to know is how do you make them so funny and make the rhymes so clever. I am a musision too so maybe one day I could play a song with you. That would be cool.
Thanks
Lucie :-)

Andrew on 9th of January 2008

i love your work, but im disappointed that your not coming to the Adelaide Fringe this year

Nathan on 8th of January 2008

Love your work Tim! Got your DVD late November – watched it four times already! When are you coming to Adelaide for a show?

J-dog on 8th of January 2008

Ahahaha!! That took me about 15 minutes to read coz i had to keep having laughing breaks!
Your a genius Timothy.

J-dog

(Haha. Spoofy christmas.)

Sarah on 7th of January 2008

Love you Tim….

Hannah. For serious. on 7th of January 2008

Ah Tim. You make me happy.

I dot the I in “I want to buy out every tape of your shows and have them for myself” with a star.

That was a fucking lame attempt at incorporating a fragment of your lyrics into a comment that I hope with all my purchased goods, that you read.

I’ll just go now.

Pauline Tran on 6th of January 2008

Hi im Pualine Tran and i love listening to you i live in Perth, yep your home town i unfortunetly didnt go to your show cause no one told me I’ve been living under a rock i think i still am o well. I was wondering when you were going to come back so i can see you (obviously)

Love always

:p

Sarah on 31st of December 2007

Hey Tim, check out the Livejournal community I just made for you. We’re still working on graphics and the layout, as well as spreading the word. Just thought I’d let ya know.

Luv,
Sarah [lj user: sarahphym]
http://community.livejournal.com/timminchin

P.S. Thanks for being the most rad comedian rock star from down under. Happy New Years.

Taryn on 24th of December 2007

Thank you for all that you do!

Have an awesome Christmas…good to have you back in Perth!

Daniel McKay on 24th of December 2007

I’ve only recently discovered all your stuff, but its amazing! Will you be touring britain anytime soon. I’d dearly love to see a show, but the only venue you did this year was alongside my university work. Not pleased.
Merry Christmas tim.

*Sarah* on 24th of December 2007

I’d read it before on Angry (Feet), but I still love it :D that’s pretty much all I have to say (that’s a first), but I wanted to comment, to show you that you’re loved ;)

I’ll be back at some point to wish you a merry christmas (it’s still christmas eve here, I like to wait until the day itself!)

x

tim hynes on 24th of December 2007

haha tim is god.. mostly cos my names tim 2..

K on 24th of December 2007

Oo oo, and seeing off the dead rellies at winter solstice, very important. See, that’s why we love our Timness so – funny, erudite and acerbic in equal measure.

Holiday wossnames to all, eat yourselves sick and pick fights with the rellies.. aah, ChristMAS..

Christ! on 24th of December 2007

thats some well intelligent shit.

It really fuels my obsession with disapproving of what Christmas is “all about”. I would speak out about it and hope to enspire some uni students but then I might not get the humorously Christmas themed tie tomorrow morning that santa should be brining

Jessica on 24th of December 2007

Merry Christmas to you too! Loved the show on the 19th. It was awesome. Thanks for making me laugh. Happy holidays. ;-)

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