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Events and Things.

by Tim 9th Apr 2007 | 133 comments


Hi, it’s me. What a surprise.

I’m sitting by a swimming pool in Melbourne. The pool is too cold to swim in, which is sad. I have a broken toe, I think. I kicked Danny Bhoy in the shin during a fiercely contested game of Comedians’ Volleyball, and although initially I thought it was just bruised, the 3 weeks of little improvement have led me to the conclusion that I’ve dicked it in a more permanent way. Which is annoying, because I can’t run. And if I don’t run, I get fat. And depressed. Remember, Paws? Running makes you happy. Danny Bhoy’s shin makes you sad. These are truisms. (For those of you nursing sympathy for that violent-but-disarmingly-charming Scottish-Indian laugh-machine, rest assured that his beautiful olive-skinned shin is absolutely fine.)

Since I last posted, Events have occurred and Things have happened. Many of them were nothing to do with me, but the ones that were to do with me interest me the most. By definition. (I think I’m obsessed by self-obsession. Relativist morality to suit my world view. The death of me will be the death of the universe. etc etc. A few days ago, I wrote a song for the Melbourne Comedy Festival Gala called “Fuck the Poor”* – the central idea of which is that charity is never purely altruistic, but that it should be entered into anyway for the sake of alleviating one’s guilt. If you’re in Australia, tune in on Monday night -16th – to see if they edit it out of the show. I wouldn’t blame them – it was a little morbid. Although not much more distasteful than my opening tune, which was called “Happy Little Africans”. To put it in its comical context – the show is an Oxfam fundraiser… I was attempting to tread close to the satirical line.)

Where was I? Oh yes, Events. Things. Me.

So last time I posted, we were talking about skiing and fun-loving, fur-wearing Americans. Then what?
I did some more shows. Cardiff was the unlikely scene of a particularly fun one. Them Welsh folk were smart and gregarious. (If I have a son, I might name him Greg, short for Gregarious. He’d grow up to be a sociopath, doubtless.) So thank you Wales for your acceptance and encouragement. (“Our pleasure, young Tim”, say a chorus of Humpbacks and a couple of Great Blues, misunderstanding my intent.)

We flew to Australia (using an aeroplane) a couple of days after my gig, which was stressful. My baby was rather well-behaved on the plane – she mostly did Sudokus and read Proust, the work of whom she finds irresistibly soporific. (Aahhh Marcel, you are nothing if not a great boon to jetsetting parents.) My wife, on the other hand, was as uncontrollable as always, and was halfway through painting a mural of pre-9/11 Manhattan on the overhead lockers before a Flight Attendant managed to wrestle the crayons off her and settle her down with a half-dozen Temazepam and a sing-song rendition of Where Is the Green Sheep?.

We arrived in Perth, where my girls remained for a couple of weeks, while I tootled around this enormous and blandly beautiful country of ours, doing a bit of this and that. I filmed an episode of that lovely Adam Hills’ wonderful show Spicks and Specks which screens in Australia this Wednesday… and yep, I do a little song at the end – this time dedicated to that kind and brilliant New Zealander, Alan Brough. It is a mere curiosity, and will mean very little to our fine friends in the UK… but it’s cute.

I then flew to Wollongong to start off my Australian Tour in the presence of my #1 Fan, Sarah, who had managed to convince the venue to give her a six-foot high poster of my head. She’s looking hot, and her boy Blake dealt admirably with her pleas to have me sign her boobs. The show went fine, I think… although I was so jetlagged I actually barely remember doing it. And I fucked up the words to RocknRoll Nerd – of all songs – given that it is my #1 Fan’s myspace moniker.

Adelaide Fringe was next – me and my piano in a big red tent. Highlights include an improvised song about a pretty girl who walked out straight after my cot-death gag. I was so worried that I’d upset her that I fucked up all my Tony-the-Fish stuff, but redeemed myself by making up a song about her visit to the toilet. Typical perverted nonsense, but fun at the time. (I’m pretty sure the timing of her walk-out was purely coincidental and motivated by the sensitivity towards the needs of her bladder rather than the particular gag.) Also interesting was the night that The Space Cowboy – a mind-reading, spoon-bending, sword-swallowing legend of a man – stuffed up one of his tricks and put a knife through his hand. And by through, I mean fucking through. It somewhat overshadowed my drama of a couple of nights previous when my piano-stool collapsed when I jumped on it. Sigh.

Alright, this is getting boring.

So, I’m in Melbourne now. I filmed the Gala last week (as mentioned) and have had a bit of time off over the Easter weekend. I’ve been parenting a little more, which is novel and good. Off to Perth again tomorrow… I’ve nearly sold out 2 shows at His Majesty’s – which is very exciting for me, because it is the theatre I went to as a child, wide-eyed and never dreaming I might get to do shows there myself. There is some sort of significance there, if I choose to impose it.

Hope everyone is feeling mentally healthy.

Thank you Kirsty and Hannah for keeping my myspace page from being overwhelmed by spambot bitches. Hello, hello.

And on and on.

txx

* You’ll notice below that Kirsty has pointed out below that GUD – my musically comedic forefathers and friends – also had a song called “Fuck the Poor”. I – in my eternal ignorance – didn’t know this… however I think I’m OK: they’re very different songs. So my Gala song is now called “The Guilt Song”, which is what I originally called it anyway. Phew… no law-suits just yet.

Below are the lyrics to “The Guilt Song”, of which I am proud. (Mostly because of the almost masochistically small amount of time that existed between its creation and its – thankfully – reasonably error-free performance). The only little bit of local knowledge you might need for it to make sense is that the Oxfam number in Australia is 1800 034 034.

Orright:

I would be a liar if I pretended I admire
The red-light windscreen-cleaning empire that you’ve built.
But my heart is good it’s not a thing of stone and wood
I’ll give you 50 cents to take away my guilt.

I give money to folk who just don’t have enough,
To try to justify my further purchases of stuff
That I don’t need.
I know that one less Vodka Cranberry tonight
Could probably feed some foreign family for a fortnight,
But I might just have one more.
After all what is Vodka for
Apart from making you want to shag your best mate’s wife,
And drowning out the guilt you feel about your perfect life?

Fuck the poor, what is all this hoo-haa for?
There’s only one reason I’ll phone 1800 034 034
It’s the force behind Teresa and the school that Oprah built,
I’ll give you 50 bucks to take away my guilt.

Fuck the poor, I’m not pretending any more
That I really give two shits about some kids in Bangalore.
I’m more interested in footy than seeing the Solomons rebuilt,
But I’ll give you 50 bucks to take away my guilt.

Leave a Comment

133 Comments

Gemma on 20th of January 2010

Come back to Manchester… you know you want to… I can make my partner jealous by getting tickets and banning him from coming with me :)

I am also jealous you can put eyeliner on better than me. ;)

Clare Burnsy on 12th of October 2008

Im totally pissed the night you come to belfast im like on the way home from Berlin so i miss the start of the gig by an hour and 25 minutes so i gave a way my tickets.

I adore you

*mysterious cloaked figure* on 3rd of July 2008

…I just realised how very easy it would be to impersonate somebody on this forum….heh heh

rosalind mattila on 7th of April 2008

tash you nutcase

Neeve on 31st of January 2008

you know after reading this entire blog about events and things i cant seem to want anything else to do except jump in my pool, Hey that reminds me of when my friend and i got in the pool when it was ice cold (seriousely im not kidding the water was like 2 degrees away from turing into solid ice) and it was late at night, it was raining and amazingly i turned blue but i didnt catch a cold!!!!!which is stupid coz im useually the only one in Perth mabye even australia who gets a cold on a 40 degree day in summer!!!! anyways i just thought i would let some people see that random side of me that comes out when i eat too much ice cream, huh like spongebob. Anyways i just thought i would keep this story alive by posting the first comment in about a year okies cya
xx

M. on 10th of July 2007

Hey?

Snif.

M.

Georgie on 3rd of July 2007

Hi Tim, I saw you in Cardiff and I have never laughed so much in all my life, please please pleaseeeeee come back! (soon if possible).

Phill Gillespie on 20th of June 2007

Hey Tim, How come you are not coming back to Edinburgh this year? Most disappointed… The Fringe won’t be quite as musical :-(

*Sarah* on 14th of June 2007

(If you wanted to announce that you’ll be visiting somewhere near Maidstone soon, that’d be fine too *thumbs up*)

glamlovinkitty on 13th of June 2007

I agree with M. We need a new blog, preferably with some Scottish tour dates in it. And not made-up ones but real ones, taking place within 5 miles of my house.
I thank you.
x

M. on 13th of June 2007

Tim, it’s about time you wrote a new entry, don’t you think?

Besitos,
M.

Josh on 4th of June 2007

Well done Alex. Melbourne shits all over Sydney. Why would you pick rugby over footy? Thats just dumb!!!

Jack on 29th of May 2007

That was quite a blog, it’s sort of like opened up your head and with a pair of tweesers plucked the most obsucure but strangely interesting thoughts vaigly related to a topic and slaped on a piece of paper. Awsome. I loved The Guilt Song, I’d have to say you weren’t overdoing it by being so forefrontal about it as its exactly what is the truth. *Sighs* This type of humour you have is my type. Thankyou for being Unique. And keep doing whatever you feel is right.

Just Another Clown on 27th of May 2007

Thanks Tim for all your music. Its just a great thing to listen to and keep ya happy. Keep on writing and performing.

Smoky on 25th of May 2007

All Alexes points are good except the one about Wentworth Miller. I find him really annoying.

Alex on 25th of May 2007

and for all the fans who want fuck the poor and happy little africans i have the video on my myspace profile:
http://www.myspace.com/alexwilliamson101

Alex on 25th of May 2007

melbourne is better because: (this might sound a lot like everyone elses arguments….
1) Tim used to live here
2) We have John So (voted the worlds best Mayor
3) John Howard doesn’t live here
4) As my friend says “We just are”
5) Melbourne is like the center of shopping..and fashion
6) Wentworth Miller spent Christmas here
7) We have the “Herald Sun”
8) We didn’t have the cronulla riots!!!
9) We are more artistic or at least more musically diverse.. (people are more open to listening to good stuff, not just metal-screamo shit or Rap or other crap…..Alternative and Tim Minchin is the stuff that we want to hear…)
10) and those are the only reasons that i can think of at the moment….

but melbourne is good…also we have better gambliing facilites.. (i.e. Crown Casino.. whi8ch means that we are better at taking people’s money… :D )

well thats it for now…. bye bye

p.s. The Great Barrier Reef is in Queensland…

Louise on 23rd of May 2007

i like melbourne more. because…..just because, k? i live there, so thats a plus.and john howard desent. so thats another plus. and we have the international comedy festival. i dont know what sydney has….

M. on 22nd of May 2007

God bless you Kate.
The People in Other Countries thank you.
I will listen to it when not at work. Tonight. On my own. I will light a few candles around the bed, first. I will open a bottle of Spanish wine. Then, I will look him up in You Tube.

Ohhhh, God bless.

Besitos,
M.

P.S. Sorry, Tim, I’ve been away for a while, I know. It’s springtime in Salamanca, you see… But I remain your timpire, always ;-)

Kate on 19th of May 2007

I’ve posted the Guilt Song on YouTube.
=D
My mum taped over Happy Little Africans (I have vowed to stop talking to her until I want dinner), so I can’t put that up. But hopefully someone else out there will have it on a tape somewhere…

Kate. xx

Smoky on 16th of May 2007

I agree completely. Have you ever seen them on the streets? When they come to melbourne i never seem to be where they are :(

Blake on 16th of May 2007

after watching the chaser tonight, i think its GOOD that john howard lives in sydney. how awesome was it tonight? all that was missing was a comment about his eyebrows…

Smoky on 16th of May 2007

Josh-
Everyone knows we got the games because no one wanted them. And sydney got the olympics. But then again, John Howard chooses to live there. That
eliminates all the good points about sydney. except the chaser.

Josh on 16th of May 2007

Blake. Melbourne shits all over Sydney. Thats why we had the Commonwealth games. Its also because we have much better sports teams than you and we have John So.

And Smoky, you will be branded a quiter on this site for ever.

Smoky on 16th of May 2007

Is it? I think i will quit this argument. You win. Sydney is better. After all, you made ‘the chaser’

Blake on 16th of May 2007

the reef? i thought that was on the gold coast…

*confused*

Smoky on 15th of May 2007

Blake-Just because you have the opera house and the reef. Oh and sorry Bean, i didnt read your comment correctly.
I like sydney. But i like ireland most.

Bean on 15th of May 2007

Actually Smoky – I assumed she was from somewhere OTHER than Sydney… that is, from somewhere in the world where I am not… Just so we’re clear that all Sydneyites are not completely city-centric!

Kristy – it’s funny how cultural differences can come thru, even just in comments on the internet. I guess it shows that Tim’s stuff is appreciated internationally! Am I right in thinking that you guys have probably seen more of him than we have in Oz, excluding the past few months (I mean TV stuff, specials etc).. and it sounds like you’ll get him for the next year or so at least? He’s moving over your way, right? Have we missed out on anything really good?

Blake on 15th of May 2007

bwahahahahahahaha…. just like all people from melbourne, to assume kirsty is a good person :P

(yes sydney is still…. ah, how do i say this…. better)

(sorry K, couldnt resist :P)

Smoky on 15th of May 2007

Just like someone from sydney. To assume that all the good people in world are from where they are.
(yes, melbourne is still bitter)

Kirsty on 14th of May 2007

Nah, I am one of Tim’s many British fans. I’ve never even been to Australia.

Bean on 14th of May 2007

Thanks! Should have guessed you guys would have been there before :)
Just out of interest – are you Australian, Kirsty? I get the feeling you are elsewhere than Sydney.

Blake on 14th of May 2007

ectomorphs have been replaced with endomorphs.

Kirsty on 13th of May 2007

I know the answer to this one.

It’s a mistake. Tim couldn’t remember which was which so, instead of looking up the words, he took a stab in the dark and got it wrong.

But I think it works well in the irony sense, like you said, people making excuses for their obesity without even knowing the meaning of the words they’re using.

Bean on 13th of May 2007

Thanks Sybil. Will give it a go. Much appreciated.
– Bean :)

Sybil on 13th of May 2007

Hi Bean!
I have had a question answered by posting it on his myspace page (http://www.myspace.com/tim_minchin) or on his group thingy (there’s a link to that on that page). If he doesn’t answer , he has legions of fans with very detailed knowledge about his work so I’d guess someone will be able to!

good luck!

Bean on 12th of May 2007

I have a question… about the fatty-fat-fat song… about Obese Kids. Tim mentions ‘Etcomorphs’ and how people might cite that body type as one of the reasons they, or their kids, are fat. I could be wrong, but I always thought Ectomorphs were least likely to be fat because their body type is lean and long… as opposed to Endomorphs (typically shorter and ‘stumpier’…no offense to all the Endomorphs!) or even Mesomorphs (more muscular). OR… am I completely missing the joke and is Tim being ironic – in that the overweight people are offering an excuse that sounds scientific but doesn’t even make sense?? Any ideas?
Does Tim ever read this stuff? If not – can one of the regulars tell me how best to ask him this relatively insignificant, (but surprisingly enduring) question?? Thanks!

Maddie on 10th of May 2007

i love tim.
hes an amazing songwriter and comedian.
and hes inspired me.
congrats tim

a rANDOM gREY bETET on 9th of May 2007

M. perhaps you should also live in Australia because Australia is tops…!!!

M. on 8th of May 2007

Dying of envy. All these people being able to go to your shows just because they happen to live in Australia.

Argh!
Aaaaargh.

Arghitos,

M.

AngieFilangie on 8th of May 2007

Hi, new to this. Loved the song on Spicks & Specks (mainly cos I’m a proud kiwi) about Alan. Loved last years song on the gala about shopping bags, and loved this years songs too. Your song you performed on The Sideshow was not as funny as the others, but I haven’t heard many songs of yours. It was good. If your body is where you spend the vast majority of your time, where do you spend the rest? Teehee. You’re a champ, and I look forward to hearing more of your songs. Respek

a random grey beret on 8th of May 2007

in your blogyou alluded to being self obsessed, i am here to inform you that this selfobsession you have isnt nessacary, you have thousands of fans throughout the world obsessing over you for you…i am definatly one of them…and many of my friends. we all went to your gig in Syndey..it was awesome.. now we have canvas school bags with your face and badges on them…continueously listening to you on your ipods…..we are obsessed….you should visit us before you return the England….cos AUSTRALIA is the best….
loving your work…..

camilla turnbull on 8th of May 2007

i thought i was your number one fan!!!! istill ove you, and ill stalk you…..wehn i can be stuffed to get off the couch!!! you dont know me and i dont expect you too, nice work, have a nice life, by the way…

im pissed that i cannot hit your sydney concert anywhere before the 13th so im going to cry, alot……
il love you, dont lvoe me back, the you are just a love slut!!!
ha ha ha, say hi to violet for me, which could be creepy, again due to the fact you dont nkow me!!!
ba ha ha, enjoy your perrenial quests and whatnot!!
that could be fun
xx

Blake on 7th of May 2007

recite :)

Jayde on 7th of May 2007

I have had that “fuck the poor” song in my head since the gala night, and after many failed attempts to resight key aspects in joke form, am now pleased to find it in full online. Nice effort Tim!

Smoky on 6th of May 2007

A town in OZ has had canvas bags banned for ages.

a random grey beret on 6th of May 2007

totally adored your show in sydney even if the light was being a bitch….i listened to your CDs all the way home that night (2 1/2 hour drive) continueously thanking my dad for driving me and my bestfriend and finding something else rto do whislt the show was on…… You poem, Perineum Millennium drove me nuts becasue in extention english T.S eliot is the only thing we study this year, i cant wait to play the CD for my class.
im loving all the stuff you are doing, its really awesome…loved the Spicks and Specks songs youve done and now also the one off The sideshow with McDermont………loving you….mwa

Lev on 4th of May 2007

I couldn’t find anywhere better to post this.
You canvas bag campaign seems to be working. One town in the UK has banned plastic bags from it’s shops.
http://environment.guardian.co.uk/waste/story/0,,2067577,00.html

Smoky on 29th of April 2007

Hello. I have just discovered this website, and justifiably feel like an idiot. Recently saw f**king rock, (as it was labbelled by our newspaper, and the com fest webpage) best show of all, although dylan morans was great to.

Louise on 29th of April 2007

Hi Tim!!! hope your foots all better!! (yes i’m a fan of !!! it cant be helped. its a serious addiction) i saw your show on the 20th. i loved it, it was *ahem* so f**king rock *becomes queen on unbelievably bad jokes* i cant stop lisenting to the cds, and i even got my friend singing, very loudly “you grew on me” with me at our school, attracting the attention of several classrooms. totally worth it.
enjoy the last melbourne show tonight!! i wish i could go again, but i’m going to my friends dace concert. *is torn between Tim and dance*
much love, Louise

Natasha Herod on 28th of April 2007

He he I’m liking this … I’m going to call it a blog ‘cos that’s what they call ’em on another site I go on … but yeah I’m liking it … I can’t remember much about it ‘cos I read it the other day (I suppose it would have made sense to have either commented yesterday or re-read it today but the important thing is I remember that I like it) … also I’m loving the song … just need to hear it … I say need … just an overwhelming desire to hear it … (still a need) …

Lydia on 25th of April 2007

Loved the Gala! Laughted myself silly, I think someone as entertaining as yourself is allowed to be a little self-obsessed!
Lydia

Replenished on 24th of April 2007

Just want to say hello and thanks for a great gig in Perth on the 13th the other week.
I particularly loved the lame Friday the 13th stunt, John from the front row and your explaining the show for latecomers.
Plus now I can’t stop singing You Grew On Me. Fortunately I bought both your CDs. Yay.

M. on 23rd of April 2007

Get well soon, Alix.

There are now people all over the world wishing you the speediest recovery. And wanting Tim to sign something for you ;-) if he’s still SO f…g Rock with his fans, which I’m sure he is!! Don’t change, Tim.

Besitos from Salamanca, Spain,
M.

spency on 23rd of April 2007

where the fuck can i download the fuckin song… fuck>>>>>

*Sarah* on 22nd of April 2007

Tim touched you?

You can report things like that.

Oh, how the hours fly by when I make my own jokes.

Scott on 21st of April 2007

Hey Tim! You may not remember me but I saw you at both The Fringe in Adelaide on your first preview show and then again in Melbourne on your official opening night. I got you to sign something for my friend Megan’s 18th, and as much as she loves you, its been decided that I love you more. Not only have you highly amused me with songs such as ‘If You Really Loved Me’, but touched me with beautiful songs such as ‘Not Perfect’ and ‘Darkside’. Hope to see plenty more of you in the future!!

Scott (aka Smiley)

caitlin on 21st of April 2007

I’m really stupid but her name’s Alix

Thankyou

caitlin on 21st of April 2007

tim, I don’t know whether you’ll get this, or whether you’ll care, but I’m supposed to be seeing your show tomorrow night in Melbourne with a couple of friends of mine BUT one of them may have to be in hospital getting a lumbar puncture at that time and will therefore miss you and be really really disappointed to miss you.

SO – is there any way possibly that you could maybe sign something for her and leave it at the ticket office or something to make her feel better about missing your show???

We’d all buy your cds and mention you to all our friends!

Love,

Caitlin

Josh on 20th of April 2007

I ment feel not fell

Josh on 20th of April 2007

Kristie, you should no by now that a song sang by Tim Minchin will always stay in your head, and will pop out at the most inapropriate of times. Some one will be telling me off, then Bang happy little Africans comes straight into my head. And you cant tell them why your gigeling, you just stand there and fell really stupid.

Blonde, English Caroline on 19th of April 2007

To Caroline from Australia…

OI! No derogatory blonde comments/implications here please!

;-)

*relatively new fan* on 19th of April 2007

where would it be possible to get a copy of ‘fuck the poor’? it is an excellent song and i’m really looking forward to a cd with it on.

*relatively new fan*

Hilalalalalalary on 18th of April 2007

did it not submit? buggerr

Kristie on 17th of April 2007

I watched the Melbourne Comedy Gala Festival on Monday night, being an Aussie and originally from Melbourne and all. ^_^
You were AWESOME! The two songs you did were my favourite parts of the show. The piano playing was preeeeeety.
Please post the ‘Happy Little Africans’ and ‘Guilt Song.’ They were so funny, and I’m very glad they weren’t cut. :P Plus they’ve been echoing in my brain for two days now… O_o
I’m currently trying to convince my family we should fly to Sydney and see one of your shows… ^_^

Jerzy on 17th of April 2007

*takes up residence in the comments box and reads for awhile*

hi tim
I’ve come to the realization that when you break the US market, I’ll not have the energy to climb over all these younger fans to get to you. So here’s the deal…

Going to make an assload of paper airplanes declaring how much I adore you and your talent… and launch them from the back of the pulsing crowd. I apologize profusely in advance for any accidents that may occur if they veer suddenly and land in your ear.

Cate on 17th of April 2007

I have to say I am completely obsessed with you at the moment, after seeing you at the maj on Friday in Perth, thanks for signing my CD cover, you are sew sensitive (your joke not mine!), it was quite a pour effort (my joke not yours!). I can only hope your spell has a short shelf life so I can move on with mine! Yes I agree with Josh best by far. You are the rock and roll megastar!!!

Josh on 17th of April 2007

Bloody hell Tim. You were the best act by far!!!! Loved both songs. You should be proud with your proformances.

Funniest songs ever!!!

dav on 17th of April 2007

can you send me happy little africans? i liked it a lot very funny

Jonsey on 17th of April 2007

I watched the comedy festival last night, you were great. i loved the songs. You do know that you sorta look like a serial killer in those piano solos, right? It’s the hair. And the eyes. But never mind me, you pull the look off quite nicely! You’re very funny!

michael on 16th of April 2007

I was so glad that they didn’t edit the song out of the gala, although they did cut out some of the funniest jokes (shappi corsandi’s christmas pagent joke, for example).

Ever since hearing ‘happy little africans’ again last night, i have the song in my head, and will do so until i hear it again, or i go mad.
It would be so awesome if the two songs were put up on the website as now they’ve served their purpose and weren’t intended on being used for anything else

David on 16th of April 2007

Don’t worry, they didn’t.

Cara on 16th of April 2007

They couldn’t edit it out, it was the finale. The crowd didn’t really seem to appreciate it though, the social commentary was a bit too personal I think.

Tim, you were great in Perth on friday. I had only heard of you, without hearing any of your stuff before. I have been playing the albums pretty much non stop since and my sister has become a fan without even seeing the show. Thanks for signing the cds and I hope you weren’t detained by us too long and got to go and have that drink your were offered.

Josh on 16th of April 2007

I saw him there too. It was a pisser. Hope they didn’t edit Fuck the Poor out!!!!

Jenna on 16th of April 2007

It must be said… you are God.

Just saw you on the Gala, cracked up all the way through, love your work!

Buddah Doll on 16th of April 2007

Tim, saw you last Saturday in Perth. And what can I say? Rude, crude and lewd. Just how I love you. The neighbours are now becoming familiar with your CDs (what? too loud?).
As for your international success – happy for you, sad for me. Your not in town much anymore, and you never call!
Kisses.

David on 15th of April 2007

Hey, just wanted to say thanks for coming back home to Perth, the show was awesome. I’d never heard of you before, but a friend told me you were a comedian and probably good, so I went along. Loved the show, bought both the CDs, thanks for an awesome night.

Jono the Homicidal Maniac on 15th of April 2007

Hi people… just to confirm. It was THE Mark Watson who posted that first comment. He was sitting with Tim while Tim was writing the blog post, and then went on straight after. I went to his show tonight, and was talking to him afterwards. Oh, and yes, there was a Lull in the show, and I took on the responsibility, and yes I tried to sing the musical melody-y bit from the show that Tim plays when he sings Lull… and everyone thought it was hilarious. :P

Caroline on 15th of April 2007

Timmy you might not be able to run, but you can walk. Walking is good.

It makes me happy :)

Just came back from one actually (despite the sprained ankle – *big hugs sarah*) and feel utterly relaxed and fantastic.

Caroline on 15th of April 2007

Sorry … Hi Tim.

I thought Kirsty’s grammar/punctuation joke was fabulous, but I did need a few prompts from her to work it out *blonde*

Caroline on 15th of April 2007

Dear Hannah,

Saw Mark Watson last night. He said to me and I quote ‘Do I know you?’ I replied ‘Yes myspace’ while fishing a very tatty ‘That’s Life’ magazine out of his red, spotty furry sack.

He then did two minutes on myspace (fingering was involved).

He didn’t mention breakfast.

But we did have a lull.

Hannah on 14th of April 2007

I’ve not a clue. I’ll take a wild guess at cereal.
If that’s actually correct, I’m just going to go away and be quiet.

Kirsty on 14th of April 2007

So, what DID Mark have for breakfast today, Hannah?

Hannah on 14th of April 2007

I am not a Mark Watson Expert!
That sounds like I stalk him around everywhere and know exactly what he’s had for breakfast and peer through his windows while he’s asleep!
And..I don’t!
But, in answer to the question, I’ve no idea. Perhaps. Possibly. I’ll ask.

Kirsty on 14th of April 2007

Okay, technically it was more a punctuation joke. “Grammar joke” rolls off the tongue better.

But, yes, Blake’s right. I was just pointing out in an indirect way the misplaced apostrophe used by VonKrum, implying ownership of the “sexy .. rowrrrr” by the shoe.

I didn’t expect it to become a big thing like this. :'(

I’m sorry, everyone. Friends?

And Sheba, it probably was THE Mark Watson. But you’d have to ask Hannah, our resident Mark Watson Expert, to find out for certain.

Sheba on 14th of April 2007

OOOOOOOH!!!! i get it now… DUH! Look closely and don’t look at it drunk – it probably wont help the thinking process! By the way, this is the boss of the circle with a different name. Mwhahaha! And seriously, THE Mark Watson or not?? anyone?!

Blake on 14th of April 2007

i’m fairly sure it has to do with a misplaced ownership.

but what would i know. i only beat kirst in a grammar argument once.

M. on 14th of April 2007

Alright.

Tim’s shoe has a very sexy rowrrrr.
(grammar joke)

Are you 100% sure it is a GRAMMAR joke? Are you sure?

Ahhhh. I’m usually good at this. Ahhhh.
And I have to leave in an hour.

Ahhhh.
M.

M. on 14th of April 2007

Mmm… I’d better hurry up, time’s running out.

death by grammar on 14th of April 2007

this is you last chance. i WILL explain you.
you have 2 days.

Kirsty on 14th of April 2007

Harsh.

Caroline’s a person, you know?

Josh on 14th of April 2007

Kirsty, leave it to Tim to make the jokes. He does a much better job at it. Mostly because people understand his.

Kirsty on 14th of April 2007

*both hands up*

And damn straight I’m not going to explain the joke to anyone. M is the only person with a valid excuse for not getting that. Even then, I think she could get it if she tried. C’mon people! Reading is cool!

I’m glad at least one person got it. Shows I’ve not just gone mad and started spouting random words… again.

English Caroline on 13th of April 2007

Right, so I like to make people work things out for themselves, I like grammar, I’m mean and people ignore me.

Put your hands up whoever thinks I should re-train and be an English teacher?

Come on…I said HANDS UP!

I think I’m talking to myself here.

English Caroline on 13th of April 2007

Oh and don’t help them Kirsty. I think everyone should work it out for themselves.

I’m feeling mean =P

You can ignore me if you want, I think most people do actually so it’s OK =D

English Caroline on 13th of April 2007

I understand your grammar joke Kirsty.

Come on people…..look CLOSELY!

Sheba on 13th of April 2007

I don’t get it either.
This may seem slightly inappropriate amongst Tim Minchin fans but was that THE MARK WATSON who posted first?! If it was, he rocks! I love it when comedians unite…
Plus – please don’t kick me out of the circle for this – I wish I was at the show where the piano stool collapsed! Just because i love slapstick… Curse my UK habitat.

M. on 13th of April 2007

yeah, Kirsty, explain for us foreigners
M.

death by grammar on 13th of April 2007

i don’t get it.
explain before i explain you.

Kirsty on 13th of April 2007

Tim’s shoe has a very sexy rowrrrr.

(grammar joke)

VonKrum on 13th of April 2007

Saw your Adelaide Fringe show … I laughed so hard I almost peed.

I love that you don’t wear shoe’s .. sexy .. rowrrrr.

English Caroline on 12th of April 2007

Timothy! Timothy! Timothy! You write an awesome blog, I don’t know if it’s awesome because it’s about you, but that’s irrelevant really and doesn’t affect my enjoyment of it.

“Them Welsh folk were smart and gregarious.”

I myself would like now to ‘out’ myself as half Welsh. So this could mean I can’t be both smart AND gregarious. That suits me fine, I know which one I’d choose =D

Though I’ve just thought, I can no longer truly have the name of ‘English Caroline’. It really should be ‘British Caroline’. But I’m ‘English’ at heart, I like cups of tea. So I’m going to keep it. Everybody take note!

I’m sorry you broke your toe Tim, that’s a right pain in the….toe =/ I have no suitable remedies for broken toes, only for broken throats…I doubt pineapple or green tea would fix your toe, but you’d have a tasty time trying. Mmmmm green tea.

Bye for now Tim, see you in another dimension, hopefully in 3 dimension when you get back to the UK.

I’m scaring myself now at the ramblesome nature of this post. So I shall stop abrubtly to over-compensate.

Katy on 12th of April 2007

Lots and lots and lots of comments… I feel like a bit of a loser posting just one small one…

Anyway, my boyfriend and I were at your Cardiff gig – you were absolutely brilliant. And your songs are so goddamn catchy! Bought both your CDs afterwards, and assumed it’d be the sort of thing that can’t be repeated with the same effect as a live show…

I now officially hate you.

I can’t stop playing your music; you’ve made me so OCD.

Yours repeatedly
Katy x

(Fuck the Poor looks awesome by the way.)

Abbey on 12th of April 2007

It’s great to hear what you’ve been doing recently, Tim, and in such an entertaining fashion. It sounds like Australia are pleased to have you back for a bit! Frankly it just makes me a bit jealous, having seen you live 3 times in as many months, and not at all since. Never mind. Looking forward to hearing more news.

I hope your toe gets better soon!

Abbey
x

Kell on 12th of April 2007

Hi Tim, it’s the first time I’ve been to your site. I’m an ex comedy groupie. Your fantastic wit seems to be working a trick on making me back into a comedy groupie. Well done ;)

I wanted to see you at home in Perth this weekend, but I can’t, coz an old friend has decided to be utterly selfish and turn 30 damn him……so I’m going to buy myself a ticket to your show in Sydney. Just my luck I’m going to be on holidays over there the weekend you open!

I always wanted to see a gig at the Opera House and am very grateful to you I don’t have to watch Opera to do so.

I’m, going to go now as I’m afraid I sound like a dork. Seeya in Sydney.

Cheers

caitlin on 12th of April 2007

will your cds be on sale at your melb com fest shows?

not the reds festival, but the festival of funny things?

coz I don’t trust internet purchasing much…

Belle on 12th of April 2007

Hi Tim,

I was at the show in Adelaide where your piano stool collapsed!
It was awesome, and you are ‘so mother f*cking rock!’
Can’t wait to catch you next time…

Jerzy on 11th of April 2007

BTW, the lyrics to Fuck The Poor… are awesome. Hope to be able to hear it one day.

Josh on 10th of April 2007

A great blog tim. Fuck the poor is also one of the funniest songs i have ever herd. You say what we are all thinking.

M. on 10th of April 2007

I love those lyrics, Tim. I suppose it’s easier to write about that than the situation in Oaxaca, back when there was one, that is ;-) Timpire prefers politics and religion- you’re AWESOME at that. Oh, Tim. I want MORE.

Wow-comment in blog, too. Timspired. Keep it up. I didn’t know it could get better still!

Is there any way I can listen to “The Guilt Song” from Salamanca? Any links or something? About Teresa and Christopher Hitchens’ book, The Missionary Position (criticises the Catholic dogma, the creation of icons using mass media and what we’re doing to third-world countries. And Teresita, of course), some journalist said Hitchens will be going to hell for sure.

I think that he’ll meet mother Teresa right there in hell and they’ll probably have nothing else to do but practice the position time and again, forever and ever, et ne nos inducas in tentationem; sed libera nos a Malo.

Amen.

Besitos,
M.

Hannah on 10th of April 2007

Don’t complain about pools being too cold to swim in, Tim.
Last weekend I went to see my little brother for a couple of days.
I was made to go in an unheated outdoor pool. In England. At the beginning of April. TWO FUCKING DAYS IN A ROW.
I actually turned slightly blue.

Jerzy on 10th of April 2007

*squeals with joy* A new post from Tim of Minchin!!

Ouch on the forked up toe. I’ve broken a couple toes over the years so I can sympathize deeply. I’m wincing a little as I type just thinking about it.

Good post, good stuff…. I hope someone tapes Spicks and Specks so that it can be posted to myspace or youtube or something.

ttfn
*bounces away in Tigger fashion*

some guy whose birthday isn't on 10th of April 2007

KIRSTY!
that misspelling was on PURPOSE!
i have a weird vision that my death will somehow involve (thats right! involve) spelling and grammar. and be really horrific.

*Sarah* on 10th of April 2007

Aha, thank you sniffly person! I do indeed remember the joke now! I’d forgotten it because when I recorded his CD’s onto cassette for my car, I left off all the spoken tracks as I thought the charm might wear off on the 8th listen, whereas songs are cool however many times you listen to them!

I really hope your broken toe isn’t affecting your piano playing, Tim. Which toe is it? Will you have to get a magical midget genius to create a new piano pedal that won’t hurt your toe?

Ok yes, I’ll shh now.

Kirsty on 10th of April 2007

Why, Angelee?

Yesterday I walked barefoot on a beach, was that gross?

It’s not like he’s putting his feet all over your food or anything.

If my feet were as sexy as Tim’s, I’d never wear shoes.

angelee on 10th of April 2007

you wear no shoes
that’s gross

Sarah on 10th of April 2007

*giggles* Tim said I’m hot teehee…

Still a bit sniffly on 10th of April 2007

*Sarah*, if I’m not mistaken, the ‘cot death joke’ is part of the spiel involving skepticism and evolution- tony the fish, etc. in the lead up to ‘If you open your mind too much your brain will fall out (take my wife)’ Timmy says something along the lines of that when he sees a bumper sticker which says ‘Magic happens’, he wants to write on it ‘So does cot death’, and then mentions that, depending on your definition of ‘magician’, it is a ‘kind of magic’. This sort of knowledge on hand is a result of having Tim’s CDs playing constantly in ones bedroom for months on end.

Josh on 10th of April 2007

Thank god your in Melbourne and out of Adelaide. Its noy safe there!!! Cant wait to see you on spicks and specks Alan Brough will be in for a shock. Loved the song “Fuck the Poor”, and I will be sure to watch the Gala. Hope the basteds dont edit you out!!

Paws on 9th of April 2007

Just to add- Yes. I really am that unfit.

Paws on 9th of April 2007

“Remember, Paws? Running makes you happy.”
It really doesn’t, Tim. You lied to me. It simply caused an asthma attack…and pain, lots of pain. XD
=] I’ll keep it up though. *ahem*

Broken toes are not much fun. Are you hopping about on one foot? Whilst waving your arms about?
*shuffles away while giggling at that image*

*Sarah* on 9th of April 2007

Yay a new blog :D I’m one of those sad people who enjoys reading other peoples’ accounts of their lives as a form of entertainment, and this one certainly hasn’t disappointed! I’m very impressed by the length of it (ha!) *chortles to self over pathetic joke*

Anyway.

Sounds like you’ve had quite a good time, despite the toe breaking (it hurts like a bitch, doesn’t it?) and the slight fuck ups with lyrics. But I’m sure the audience forgave you, you’re too good to be mad at for long.

What’s this cot death joke? I’m struggling to recall whether I’ve heard it before or not.

I bet Sarah will fall over with excitement at being mentioned in your blog haha I know I would!

Kirsty on 9th of April 2007

Hehehehehehe… “danny buoy”

He FLOATS!

some guy whose birthday isn't on 9th of April 2007

excellent stuff
if you had ever sat at the back row of the dress circle, then you would have had to have your eyes VERY WIDE if you wanted to see. sorry, i’m still angry about when i saw danny buoy at his majesty’s. fuck. why do they make those seats when you can barely see the top half of his head.
sorry in advance kirsty for and spelling and grammar mistakes i may have made. you can edit it if you like.

Nightlife on 9th of April 2007

Was at The Gala and I thought both songs were fantastic. I’m sure at least one will get dropped from the broadcast as they always butcher the show. Have you ever looked at the horrible dvd release of The Gala? Looking forward to seeing your show during the fest. Have clocked up 14 fest shows to date. About 40 more to go.

Bekki on 9th of April 2007

I saw your final night at the Adelaide Fringe, and I decided I’m going to be a musical comedian :D I’m throwing in TAFE and that damn mixolydian sclale!! haha nah seriously, It was worth having my legs crushed by the man in front of me who kept inching his seat further and further back! Please come back and see us next year! :D

A little bit sniffly at the moment on 9th of April 2007

Ah it’s always so heart-meltingly satisying to see a new Timmy news post. And this one is marvellously lengthy.
The only downside is that now I’m going to have GUD’s ‘Fuck The Poor’ in my head for another week or so. ‘The poor are poor, because they’re stupid, and there’s nothing we can do about that’. I am very much looking forward to your version knocking it out of my brain, however. Thems are some deep lyrics you have there.

On another note, riddle me this- How best would I go about coming into any sort of contact with you in Melbourne? I will be at your show on the 17th, and do plan to stage-door, but there’s always the problem of my having to leave to see mr Ross Noble soon after you finish. And I would just *die* if I missed the opportunity to have a chat and a photo. Plus, I may have cookies.

This is a mammoth of a comment, i do apologise.

Ngaire on 9th of April 2007

SO SO SO sad .. that you wont be in Brissie this time round, Tim.
NEXt time?? please??

upset and disappointed , I am.

peace. and love
Ngaire in brissie

Australian Caroline on 9th of April 2007

Kirsty you are a comedy slut.

But last night I lost my virginity – Russell Howard, Gerry Quinn, Trivia Night!!!!!!!!

If last night is any indication of how good it’s going to be to see Timmy I can’t wait.

*nursing hangover*

Love you Timmy
Caroline

ps. Can’t wait to see the gala, so pissed off I didn’t get to go live!

Kirsty on 9th of April 2007

I guess it pays to be a Minchin fangirl and an ex-McDermott fangirl too.

I feel like such a comedy slut.

Jono the Homicidal Maniac on 9th of April 2007

Hey Hey! What a fun filled few weeks you have been having Tim. Can’t wait to see you around at the fest! Enjoy Perth and I think we should have 3 Cheers for the Spam Fairies!!!
Catch you round Timmy!

Kirsty on 9th of April 2007

Um… Tim…

You are aware that GUD have a song called Fuck the Poor, yes?

Yours is better, I’m sure.

And oh! The secret of the spam fairy is out! Oh no! The magic is ruined for everyone!

Love ya, Timmy.

Mark Watson on 9th of April 2007

An excellent blog, comprehensive and entertaining. And an excellent life, as well; otherwise there’d be limited value to the blog. WELL DONE TIM MINCHIN!

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