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Arrival in Edinburgh

by Tim 30th Jul 2005 | 35 comments

So, the beginnings of a blog. A travel diary published for those people who have the patience for such things. The type who not only look at other people’s overseas photos, but ask questions beginning with “Which art gallery…?” and “So she is related to…?”

Just so you know, I’m planning to indulge in the kind of floral loquaciousness typical of the fuzzy-brained traveller who fails to realize that not every physical journey has to be a heart-of-darkness-esque spiritual journey into literary hell. (“Edinburgh’s most famous landmark hunches over this ancient city with avuncular familiarity, casting its comforting shadow over the late afternoon coffee-tasters and caber-tossers. i think i’ve found the genetic source of my ginger pubes…” etc) And that no one really cares about your fucking spiritual journey anyway.

To begin again: I’m in Edinburgh. Which is in Scotland. I’ve been here for 3 days. Which feel like 6. I’m not-very-well, but I’m always not-very-well before shows. I think it’s psychosomatic, but maybe it’s just all in my head.

The venue I’m going to be playing is part of the Uni of Edinburgh. It is both neo-gothic and totally fucking ace. Two hundred years old, perhaps. The building is like a warren. Or a gavin. Or a barry. Loads of rooms, all of which are in the final stages of being converted into theatres and bars. And everywhere you look my silly head on bright pink posters. I’ve finally reached omnipresence. I can now retire. (But really, I can’t believe there are other people doing my publicity; I feel almost extraneous.) (Which could be an interesting title for a road movie starring Kate Hudson.)

Dark Side will be playing in the biggest room at the Gilded Balloon, the debating chamber: ceiling like a chapel, balconies on 3 sides. Amazing. In contrast to the ornate old-ness is a huge lighting rig and bigass sound system. Floor is wood and the stage is only about 5 foot high… so we’ll see how often I can fall of it before I need surgery.

Tomorrow morning the piano arrives. It is to be a Yamaha, and it is to be white. Roll over Elton, I wanna make you my bitch. I thought I might get a whiteboard marker and write on it during the show. Hmmm, as long as it sound bright and sparkly and doesn’t break when I hit the shit out of it, I don’t care.

I am staying in Marchmont with my friends, Neil, Jane and Cam. They are both nice and have a coffee machine.

Orright. More in a couple of days perhaps. Leave a comment if you have something to say. I like feeling like I have friends.

Hope you like my website. It’s kind of informative, eh.


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Louise Carway on 18th of March 2018

I’ve only just thought of looking back into the archive of your blog. Happy days, lots of fab reading of how it all started. You should put it in to a book to go with your album (and a calendar, pleeeease). I wish the UK shop had more merchandise. My 1 Tim mug and 1 Tim bag are lonely.. And I already have all of your dvds and cds.

Samantha on 17th of September 2005

Now why the hell did I go and see Puppetry of the Penis, instead of your show Tim? I mean, watching 2 naked men on stage at the Gilded Balloon is all well and good, but really, when you’ve seen one ugly cock, frankly you’ve seen them all. Are you coming back next year? – and if you are, can you do the Puppetry of the Penis show instead?

Lydia on 9th of September 2005

hmmmm – i think i just contacted your management in order to send you well wishes, and all the while i could’ve been here – congratulating you for all to read.. but now i feel anxious i missed the blog boat, the last comment posted is days days old – weeks even (well nearly) and really all i want to say is i wish i could see the show.. perhaps you could do a gig in tokyo next january.. there is a thought, not necessarily a good one..
everyone is so damn proud of you, especially me. you rock, big kisses xx

Adsi on 29th of August 2005

Congrats on the award and the years supply of still water….
We knew you before you were you, Minch

Jo Morris on 28th of August 2005

Tim, I cannot stop singing rock n roll nerd. If you dont win the newcomer award I will hunt down all those responsible and vilify them all in my new publication for the city we call Edinburgh. Finally, of the two shows I saw at the festival this year, you are definitely the best. juice bar my arse

Paul Marsh on 25th of August 2005

This was the best show I saw, in fact it was the only one I saw. I bet you can see what I saw if you saw it first. Unique talent onstage which should be available to everyone as a tonic and pick you up and throw you back down. I lied about it being the only show but it was still the best. Newcomer award or the world is crap.

Joanne Ramsay on 19th of August 2005

Hey, Tim. Saw your show last night at the Gilded Balloon. You were so talented and funny it was painful to my face, jealousy also turned my green eyes greener, as I am too a tinkler of the ivories and a singer of a fine tune. Spoke to you afterwards. Me (dark hair and scottish) and my blonde mate, (she is of cockney persuasion) I am Singer/songwriter too, so you told me you wanted to get back into your orig material but lost as to what to do, write with me thats what !! Duo – the next carpenters – except I’m not a drummer. Oh okay not R ‘n’ R enough so lets not pigeon hole, just be totally new and original instead. Take it easy mate and rock on – you are deservedly a true ROCK GOD !!

Renee on 17th of August 2005

‘Renee’/Tim? I don’t think so. Unless my body had been metamorphosing, changing my gender and everything about my appearance then transporting me magically to Edinburgh and back this week without me realising. I hate it when it does that.

Tim is representing his country not only in comedy, but also the England vs. Australia Fringe Ashes. Good luck Tim. (Take out Addison early, I suspect he may have come from the knobby high-class British schools we only see in dodgy ABC movies)

kaitlin on 10th of August 2005

heyy, i met you last night after your show.. it was by far the best show i have ever seen at the fringe, you are truly talented and absolutely hilarious. come to the states! -kaitlin

Franklin Lee Fansam on 10th of August 2005

Ooo, it’s getting chilly in here.
I thought the show was great, except that it never happened and every posting on this site is a FICTION! ‘Renee’/Tim, there’s no need to be so rude. And your invective regarding my use of oxygen is childish for 2 reasons: (1) I am not only a pompous waste of oxygen, but also a pompous waste of numerous other elements and compounds. Your failure to notice these vital building blocks of life shows your ignorance ha HA! (2) I am a fish that requires very little oxygen to live. (this last point is perhaps not as strong as the first one).
I hope this charade will end soon.

Renee on 10th of August 2005

Franklin Lee Fansam, leave my grammar alone, you pompous waste of oxygen. Fuck you very much.

Great review from Edinburgh (in The Scotsman) for Tim. First one I’ve seen that mentions his threat regarding the potted plants. :D

Lara on 10th of August 2005

Its as simple as this: You are the the greatest thing i have seen at the festival. Totally ace, infact i dont think iv spent an hour better in a very long time.

All the best and if you dont win something for the show i will personally kill a judge… or at least write a very forcefull letter.

almaco on 9th of August 2005

have a great time, timmy. you’ll kill em in the isles, on the land, on the sea, their pitiful toilets. you will never surrender.

saw you in melb and you made my face ache, you prick.

all the breast

The BoneMan on 9th of August 2005

You watched yourself watching yourself on the same old tv show

i hear your cooking good soup

i will see you in Melbourne

i will touch your bottom

Beth on 9th of August 2005

Oh, and another post.

I see a not-yet-happening pictures section. I have a “friend” who has pictures from Laugha and a few places.

Should I send them in, or are these going to be the nice professional variety?

Sorry. will shut up now. Is time to go to my next lecture anyway. I fucking love free internet.

Beth on 9th of August 2005

*giggles at thread so far*

Hope the wonderful world of edinburgh is going well. I’d say swimmingly, but it’s cold and windy in Olde Melbourne Town, so let’s not mention the water temperature.

I only know Renee vaguely from last festival, but I’m quite sure she doesn’t have 16 chins. Can’t make any promises about her tendency to sacrifica small children to the dark gods of comedy justice, but who can?

Turbank on 9th of August 2005

You goddam hippies make me sick with your canvas bags and your goddam saving the environment bullCRAP. Gimme one of them bags and I’ll goddam simultaneously vomit and turd into the goddam thing. Great show last night by the way. Inspiring and heartening. Like watching my circus freak mother eat doughnuts and all the cream and jam would roll down her beard and tummy.

Disturbia_Kiss on 9th of August 2005

Ahhh Tim, Saturday night at the Gilded balloon you were sensational, it must be said! Your dancing made me cum over all funny, especially when you ripped your shirt open, phwoor! Of course I had to purchase one of your canvas bags, I will do all my shopping with it from now on. As a result I will be simultaneously promoting your show and saving the environment. Yours was the first show of the Fringe we have seen, being Edinburgh residents we don’t always get to see that many due to factors such as cost of living plus the relentless drudgery of work. Your show has made me want more, MORE MORE MORE, I have unsatiable fringe lust now and for that I thank you.

G on 9th of August 2005

Tim! Yours was the first show I seen at the festival this year, and I really don’t think I’ll see a better one. Nice one mate! Enjoy Edinburgh, and if you need a drinking partner, gimme a shout!
Have a great festival dude!

Oh, and Elton John has got nothin’ on you.

Franklin Lee Fansam on 8th of August 2005

Hey, Renee, why don’t you go and screw yourself. I bet you’ve got sixteen chins and a penchant for wearing hair nickers. But maybe you’re a man. A man who posts to himself perhaps? You write like a man. Your grammar is most definitely testosteronesque. Tim, your overuse use of the penile hyphen fools no one, not even ‘Renee’. And the parentheses are a poor subterfuge of the obvious utereal allusion. Please mature.

Renee on 8th of August 2005

Someone has a problem. And for once, I suspect it’s not me. We’ve either got a guy posting to his own blog under assumed names (sad, but not crazy), or some overly-paranoid fan-people. Whichever is the case, good luck Tim, they’re both your problem.

Franklin Lee Fansam on 8th of August 2005

Ah-HA! You see, you even fool yourSELF in a quizzical attempt at deflection! ‘Big Mike’ (pathetic alternative identity I must say) acknowkledges what I have known all along! That you are TIM! Surely it’s time to reveal all, now that you have been exposed (by me or you?) hmm.

Big Mike on 7th of August 2005

My name is Mike. You are Tim. Stop reading this and get back to handing out those flyers….

'My' name is NOT Tim on 6th of August 2005

Hmm, how sad. How very sad. I thought better of you tim, before you smeared yourself (i mean yourSELF) with this narcissistic drivel. A ‘blog’ indeed. I’m sure you’re having a nice time in ‘Edinbrough’ (don’t think I’m fooled, I am not) and I’m sure you (‘you’) must be flattered by all of these ‘comments’ posted by all of your wonderful ‘friends’. Well done Tim (or should I say ‘Casey B’, or ‘Megsy’, or even -I can barely bring myself to write it- ‘Emily & Digby’ and no, it wasn’t the ampersand that tipped me off you child.) I will speak to you soon, when you are prepared to come out of your room and admit this fraud being perpetrated. Until then, farewell.

Emily & Digby on 5th of August 2005

Hey Timbo,

Congratulations on your fantastic opening night in Edinburgh!!!! We hear it was a full house – Of course!!!! Wish we could be there to see it ourselves. Keep up the good work buddy
Love Em, Diggers & Pongo (the horse that did exsist)!

Megsy on 3rd of August 2005

Hi Timmy
Nice blog, ginger pubes.
Say hi to Neil, Jane and Cam for us. And Re and Mark and Kath.
Good luck for the show.
Love ya,

P. Dante on 2nd of August 2005

Which one of Neil, Jane and Cam was not nice? Don’t think I didn’t spot that deliberate ‘mistake’.

Sam C on 1st of August 2005

All the best for Edinburgh and thanks for the laughs at the Melbourne comedy festival – the absolute highlight for my friend and I. Please, please force the powers that be to release your DVD and when are you coming to Sydney??? We are feeling left out!

Glenn on 1st of August 2005

‘Hmmm, as long as it sound bright and sparkly and doesn’t break when I hit the shit out of it, I don’t care’

I hope you’re not referring to any other piano that you’ve used on previous gigs of yours!!

Hey a white piano – I suggest a giant mirror ball that can fly in…

Have an awesome festival

BTW The DVD rocks

Leish on 1st of August 2005

Hope you have an amazing festival, love the new site – I look forward to following your antics via this whacky digital box-shaped thing.

Best of luck at the fest,


Renee on 1st of August 2005

I’m sending my friend (a musician who live in Edinburgh) to see your show in my stead, because, well I’m poor. Dark Side is without doubt the best show I saw at the MICF, and I’ll be seeing it for the third time when you come to Tassie. And this time, I’ll even pay for my ticket. :D

Beth on 1st of August 2005

I hope the Edinburgh gigs go well, although I’ll probably get jealous of the scottish people/other attending people.

I never got fannish enough to tell you, but your show saved this years festiva for me, so you thank you for that.

I was at the “the festival’s good, but not as good as I remember… I think I’m losing enthusiasm” stage when Alisso (who commented above) told me to see your show, and Laughapoolooza backed her up, and I loved it. So yeah, thanks. And good luck. And don’t forget us poor Melbourne people who love you and want you to do shows here too, please :)

Sam on 31st of July 2005

Have a blast in Edinburgh Tim, the Scottish lass that I took to your show in Melbourne is taking 6 of her friends to one of your Preview gigs. She’s so excited about them seeing you. Also my Aussie friend over there is dragging everyone she knows to your show, purely on my ravings in April, so just take care, enjoy yourself and be the star that you are!

PS.. I’m just ridiculously jealous that I can’t be back in Edinburgh for the Fringe this year. It’s usually about now my cravings for Irn Bru start kicking in again. Mmmm.. Irn Bru and vodka.. Mmmmm..

Alisso on 31st of July 2005

Back in high school when I was doing drama and in the singing group, I never once managed a performance without some degree of illness. Usually a cold. Which really fucks with my singing voice. I’d start out a soprano, get sick, and have to go join the altos.

Ever since, I associate performance with the smell of buttermethols and pockets full of tissues. I think it must be stress related.

Good luck with the festival, if you do half as well as you did in Melbourne you’ll be the toast of the town!

Casey B on 31st of July 2005

Go Tim! Go to the Bongo Club and drink a dodgy eastern-European beer for me. Go to a dodgy chippy and eat a King Rib for me. Go to the Assembly Rooms and cheer Eddie and co for me. Go to the Black Bush and drink ten consecutive single-malt shots for me. Go out dancing for me. Dance for me, all night long. Go wake up next to a heroin-addict acrobat from Budapest for me. And if you’ve got time after all that, go rock the white piano and let them know that the Rock And Roll Nerd ™ is in town. They Shall Tremble In His Wake.

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