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More reviews, Tired

by Tim 19th Aug 2005 | 63 comments

Hi guys. Another uncreative post. Me tired. Lots of meetings with producers and managers. All good.

Couple of bad reviews this week, which I won’t post because they’re bitchy and I like to pretend they don’t exist.

The good ones are now posted on the comedy review page.

My lady-friend, Sarah Minchin, arrives tomorrow. Ace.

I have a night off tonight. Really ace.

I hope you are all extremely well.

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LDSK on 3rd of September 2009

Ok, grammatical errors make me mad…I correct errors on signs I’m that sad. But in all seriousness, I have no idea how I found this but the errors on the page have actually made me want to comment. But yeah hooray for Tim person.

average penis size on 27th of October 2005

I agree with you the way you view the issue. I remember Jack London once said everything positive has a negative side; everything negative has positive side. It is also interesting to see different viewpoints & learn useful things in the discussion.

Joss on 28th of September 2005

Where is Tim?
I met him in Edinburgh and he’s lovely :o)
New Post please Tim!!!

arbitrator on 27th of September 2005

Way to stay on topic…
I’m sure tim is very interested in these comments…

grant on 26th of September 2005

dam fukn rite im a exprt on wankin u prbly wldnt no a hot wank if it hit u in tha face.
i cldnt wank ova yr pic neway im sory i jus dont find mingas sexy
n idc i dont wank on serial i dont wank on ne brekfast stuf
but yr rite tool is gd 2 wank 2 but system of a down is beter

luv grant

Samantha on 25th of September 2005

“Hot wanks” Grant? Why don’t you enlighten us all with your abundant knowledge of wanking – you’re clearly a expert on the subject.
I’ll decline your offer of sending you my ‘hot pic’ Grant – but thanks anyway – I think I can live my life, safe in the knowledge that you won’t have had the pleasure of wanking over my picture.

idc on 24th of September 2005

Grant is obviously a serial wanker.

Respect. Respect to the wanker most high.


grant on 19th of September 2005

dont patranise me samantha i hav prob had more wanks than u hav had hot wanks

luv grant

ps heaps of chiks mail me pics n they r hot but iv got rm 4 more

Samantha on 17th of September 2005

Ah bless Lydia.

Grant – How many mails did you get as a matter of interest? And did everyone mailing you use txt speak as their first language?

Lydia on 9th of September 2005

tim – please read my comment at the end of the first blog entry.. its late, you are no doubt tiredere ere ererr\ than me but i reallly really really want to wish you happy happy congratulations, and i keep doing it all over the wrong places! xx ps. you still rock even after my third attempt at this

pps i will get the hang of things now x

grant on 5th of September 2005

fuk yes but don eva fukn talk bout pregnat nuns cos they cum 2 yr hous n yr mums stops u usin yr fukn pc 4 a wile
ps mail me if ur hot

luv grant

María on 2nd of September 2005

Women. You leave them for a month to go to the Fest in Edinburgh and work hard for them… next thing you know when you arrive in Australia everybody’s saying they’re pregnant. ;-P
How mean can people get?
Hola Sarah!!!

Tim on 2nd of September 2005

don’t know where the sarah pregnant thing came from… but it comes as quite a surprise to me.

Cross-Gartered on 2nd of September 2005

I did it, I took my canvas bag to the supermarket… the cashier was like, “Really?” That meant “Are you serious? Wanker.” I tried to explain but it was no use.
Oh well. I am doing my part to do something drastic and rid the world of plastic. Good luck in Tasmania, Tim!

TopCityBird on 2nd of September 2005

Merchandise and a London gig please!

Congratulations on being the high point of my festival visit. I know that won’t mean as much to you as a Perrier Award. (Even though they aren’t supposed to mean anythig any more fickle old me only booked to see you because you’d been nominated!) And it certainly won’t mean anything to the late Jorge Luis Borges and all of your friends.
I’ve got loads of mates in London town who would love to see your show since I’ve been raving about it ever since I saw it on Sunday – your final EDFRINGE offering.
I left from a side exit to see another show and therefore missed out on the CD/ Canvas Bag fest and I NEEEEEEEED to buy a CD, and a DVD and probably a bag to carry them in

Turbank on 1st of September 2005

Did I mention hairy?
The little goddam yodelling younker’s tower?
Big thick black hairs.
Hirsute. Geddit?

Jorge Luis Borges on 1st of September 2005

What strange streets you frequent Stephanie.
I am a genius and a little bit blind also. Ok, ok. I’m a lot very blind OK? You happy now? Happy you have made an old (dead) Argentinian man cry?
I believe you have a twat in your name. It is a nice literary joke yes?
Salman will wet himself.

Turbank on 1st of September 2005

You lousy sons of goddam steamin whore dog anus sniffers. You make me sick and I know sick.
There ain’t no four’b’two way that Sarah is beefin it up with the fat guys.
And as for pregnant.
Let’s wait ’til the thing comes squirtin out and all the matrons and all the nurses and all the publicists come hovering around to congratulate the famous dad (who is minding his sissy hair in the mirror) and they all look down and what do they see?
They see a goddam sugar plum plump liddle ol bubba with a sure as your balls are on fire Turbank grin.
An he winks back as he clutches his enormous tower of Turbank.
Which will be big.
An he gives a rich ol treacle guffaw. Lemme tell ya.
I’m a dwarf geddit punks. Geddit?

Ian on 1st of September 2005

Stephanie, don’t be so insensitive. Sarah isn’t pregnant, she’s just really fat.

Stephanie on 1st of September 2005

Hey, well done for the Perrier thing, Tim! Word on the street is that Sarah is pregnant, so congratulations on that too.

Trina Gilchrist on 31st of August 2005

Hey Timmy, Yo Timmy – Congratulations on your award you special thing! I have cut out the atricle from the Age and stapled it to the inside of my undies – Bit itchy but oh well…
Well done!!

Jono on 30th of August 2005

WOOOOOOT!!!!. Well Done Tim, you Rock. You make all Aussies proud!!! Congrats!!! Best Luck for the Future

mistake on 29th of August 2005

It looks like a refreshing and exciting award at first but then all the gas comes out and it goes stale and lukewarm, and you can’t avoid noticing the bitter taste and you wonder why you didn’t just stick with cold tapwater. But then you realise that a supermodel is sucking your nob and it’s all ok again.

Bee on 29th of August 2005

1 thing the perrier means fuck all and is a bit of a joke……………


tim, well done for being promoted 1645677% by karen koren! how you managed that without shqgging the woman i have no idea cos she is a bit of a hard nosed beotch i dunno…………..

all that said, well done you, cos you ARE an amazing talent. i saw you do a couple of straight songs in melbourne a while back, and you know what………………………………………………


you are a fab new talent, and i wish you all the best xxx

Adsi on 29th of August 2005

It was only ever a matter of time, minch. You don’t fool me though…

Rocky and Ulrick Pup on 29th of August 2005

Fucking Yay!!!
Way to go Tim! Congrats on the ?Award!
That’s so cool!!!

P. Dante on 29th of August 2005

It’s like sending someone an email and carbon copying it (look it up, and learn about the honest, proletarian early days of typewriting in the process, when you needed a small ballpeen hammer to get the keys down on an average IBM) to everyone in the world, just so they can see what a great friend you are. Get a hold of yourselves, people. Restrict yourselves to appropriately sarcastic and genuinely Australian insults, learn proper grammar and spelling, and just make a decorous phone call. That goes for me, too. Very brisk shave due today. This nipple hair needs a seeing-to, and my razor is keen.

Renee on 29th of August 2005

*runs in late to join in with the ‘fucking woo’-ing*

Nice to see you dressed up for the awards ceremony. :D

With all the people who saw you in Melbourne who can say “I knew him when”, I myself can say “I thought he was funny before I ever saw him”. Which is true. Why? “This is your ticket. Yay.” :D

Lou on 29th of August 2005

I jumped around outside the Gilded Balloon when I got the text message to let me know you’d won. There was some “fucking woo!!”-ing.

And I might well be travelling to London before I know it….

María on 29th of August 2005

Congrats for the bottled water thing. I’d rather not be famous myself, but then again I’m not a Rock n’roll megastar, comedian or whatever.
Yeah, now everyone will start saying don´t burn out, Tim. Oh, and don’t turn into an egocentric bastard. Keep your head on your shoulders (where else could you put it anyway?), remember who your real friends were before you were famous, don’t start taking drugs and all that crap.
Just have fun and ignore all of us, Timmy boy. Enjoy it 100% (but keep some of the money for when you’re 70, etc. ;-). Oops, sorry).
You’re the best and that’s all. And you have the best Eurocanadian fan club in the f…g world, eh? I suppose we won’t poo in your indoor plant pots anymore, because your webmeister answered our e-mail. He’s not the real thing, but he’ll do.
When and where’s your next show?
We wanna book early!

dandy on 29th of August 2005

Heard you on the BBC this Sunday morning. Excellent stuff. Very loose and free presentation. Really being yourself. Very ozzie. Certainly reminding of Tom Lehrer whom I miss very much now he doesn’t do it much. You have a future without a doubt. Your command of language is great. We need this. Wish you great things and a great future. No doubt it will happen, but take care of yourself, and measure your output carefully. Be careful not to burn out.

Mark on 29th of August 2005

WooHoo! I’ve been telling all my friends from the start of the festival that you would win and now you have! Well done-sell outs abound next year…

Tristan on 28th of August 2005

Like seriously, well done!! So very very proud!!! I’ve been showing off my canvas bag all around Melbourne today. Yes, I do that most days, but I just feel that little bit more special doing it today!
Haaa…. Heath was right, the time has come for Tim Minchin to take over the world and be our fearless leader. But just remember you roots Timothy. Look after those of us who have canvas bags. THE ORIGINAL canvas bags too.
Dang I’m proud!
See you back in Melbourne in the not so distant future you prize-winning pianist you!

Turbank on 28th of August 2005

You are a goddam sissy and I congratulate you with all my piccaninny liver.
I’m standing on a stool (chair type you goddam perverts) right now and shouting to a pack of morons that Tim Minchin just won himself a whippin.
So we’re all cheering and spitting at the fireplace.
I oughtta punch you right up your palooka for the grief your caused me.
I mean, for cryin out loud! I’m a little guy.

Jorge Luis Borges on 28th of August 2005

You see!
(I can’t, as I’m blind you know. Very tragic, but don’t cry, no time for cying)
I knew you could do it!
Congratulations. You are a genius! Actually, I am a genius.
But you seem like a fine fellow nonetheless. I love being alive! Except, I am not. Which is a bit sad, except I’m Argentinian! And that’s a wonderful thing! You see! (I cannot).
I will be hitting the small children with my cane in celebration.

Gwenyth Paltrow on 28th of August 2005

Wow, You won a prize!
I love winning prizes! I won an Oscar (it’s a film award), which was really neat and it was all thanks to Tom Stoppard who wrote my bosoms into 16th century England (or more precisely, into the hands of William Shakespeare HIMSELF! (played by an actor, whom I believe was English, JUST LIKE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE was)).
tee hee hee.
It’s a shame the prize is just a bottle of water. I suppose its because the English are so poor (I mean, look at how poor Oliver was and the fat man wouldn’t give him any more, but just sang a song. Gee that was mean).
I love fruits too and one day, when I have a baby, I am going to name her after a fruit!
Wait a minute! I already have! I love remembering things, tee hee hee!
I’m currently rehearsing a play. I’m in it! It’s a biopic about Virginia Woolf’s vaginismus. It’s called “Barking Mad” and I say things like, “Leonard, it’s twitching again! Pass me that pen”.
Congratulations Tim.
Do you like fruit?

Franklin Lee Fansam on 28th of August 2005

Hmm, how sad, how very sad.
Well ‘Tim’ I hope your jaunt down self-delusion lane was pleasant. How remarkable your deception is that you not only invented a fine and merry fiction of a ‘tour to Endinburgh’ (how passe and childish it seems now), not only have you been furiously posting to your blog under a host of ridiculous aliases (‘Gwenyth Paltrow’ and ‘Borges’, how very droll; ‘Sir Bertrand Makepeace’ and ‘wierd about’ were simply petty insults to your ‘readers’), but your subterfugery (my word) has even stooped to self-agrandisment in AWARDING YOURSELF A PRIZE.
I am perhaps alone in appreciating the Napoleonic reference, but remember the palindrome and never visit Elba.
In the meantime, enjoy this brief flash of vainglorious masturbation. Tomorrow you will have to come out of your house and face the dreary reality of your real life.
Time to stop being afraid. It’s time to be like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky: Become hideous and live for 400 years and then agree to open your eyes and die.
Real (keep it) ‘k?

BillyC on 28th of August 2005

I too wish to say congratulations on the perreir win.

Liz on 28th of August 2005

Congrats on the Perrier!!

lily on 28th of August 2005

Woo-hoo, I just heard the good news! Congratulations! Go Timmy! Go Timmy!

Beth on 28th of August 2005

Congratulations Tim! I was barracking for you from the other side of the world. I am strangely proud. *g*

*dances around the house*
*gets told off for waking people up*

bRitt-laden on 28th of August 2005


The Butterfly Boys on 28th of August 2005

Attention all Tim supporters in Melbourne: free Shanghai Butterfly cocktails all night (Sunday) at The Butterfly Club to celebrate Tim winning the Perrier Best Newcomer award. Just show a Tim Minchin canvass bag or CD to claim your drinks. Okay, okay, inflatable ladies also acceptable.

The Butterfly Boys on 28th of August 2005

Congratulations Tim on winning Perrier Best Newcomer award!!! Couldn’t have gone to a harder working performer. We’ll be having a few drinks at The Butterfly Club tonight to celebrate!

P.Dante on 27th of August 2005

Don’t drink the award.


Steve on 27th of August 2005

Well… the tonsils seem to be back in fine fettle!

I’ve just come from the show and… wow… mindblowing. The stuff you did at Spank! was great, but this just blew away anything else I have seen at the fringe for years.

Finally… i’m going to get to be one of those people who can point to someone on telly and say “yeah… i saw one of his gigs just before he became really big”.

I’m a sucker for merchandise too, so am now the owner of a CD in a Canvas Bag! Woo. When’s the Dark Side CD/DVD coming out…? Hurry hurry – more meetings with producers and managers needed to make this happen! Make it in time for chrimbo, and I know what all my mates are getting!

Oh, and congratuations on the Perrier Newcomer nom… if you don’t get it, there’s something seriously wrong with this world of ours.

Again, nice one!

María on 27th of August 2005

Tim, if you don’t answer your European fanclub we’re gonna go all the way to Australia and poo in your indoor plant pots.
Hasta la vista,

P.S Keep it up!! You ok? tonsils?

Jono on 26th of August 2005

Yo Tim,
You Rock. I always knew you were gonna be big. I can’t believe I managed to get a free ticket to you show im Melb, i can’t see you giving away any free tickets next year.
Congrats on the Perrier award nominations. Oh, and congratualtions for making it to #3 most played on my iPod, you beat all my Ben Folds songs, your just losing to Dr Worm and Elanor Rigby. Well Done.
Your Red haired Samurai Friend, Jono

weird about on 26th of August 2005

hello tim, hello sir bertrand, mr dugong and the litany of adoring scribes whose banter is about as coarse as my 2.30-in-the-afternoon shadow by the stroke of… well about 5.58pm on the subcontinent as it stands. but enough about me and my hair. you have hair too. and hairspray by the looks, and hair reviews, and unfortunately hirsute tonsils i’m sorry to hear, and renee has hair panties (but that could just be hairsay) and we all think you’re just great. good for you. keep up the splendid work and i hope the rest of your fringe goes off in bangs (but not ‘mall bangs’ like Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks regrets having in 1988).

Sir Bertrand Makepeace on 26th of August 2005

Dear Timothy,
Just a short note to congratulate you on your successes in Edinburgh. From my vantage point in St.Cuthbert’s home for the befuddled I am able to keep an eye on developments in the international arts world.
Who would have thought eight years ago, when you accompanied me on my final triumphant tour of the Antipodes, that you, a chap I vaguely remember as a competent keyboard technician with alluringly trembly buttocks and a case of gonorrhea so advanced it made your genitalia resemble a tropical sunset would, eight years later, be, as they say, “wowing”, them at the Fringe. I well remember receiving the Claret Award for best new talent at the Fringe back in ’39. Of course in those days the Fringe was less of an arts festival and more of a pretext for burly stevedores to hurl bottles of stout at members of ethnic minorities. Nevertheless defeating Mao Tse-Tung and his 12 Whistling Manchurians in the final, by a margin of eight direct hits to six, remains one of my most cherished memories. What ever happened to young Mao? I remember in the dressing room he said he had a long March in front of him. Funny thing was, it was only September. Anyway as you begin suckling on the welcoming teat of that duplicitous bitch goddess known as B-grade celebrity I’d like you to remember something Richard Pryor said to me when we were rehearsing Nick Miller’s short-lived adult pantomime Oedipus-in-boots. “Bertie my man,” quoth he, ” For a honky muthafukka, you sure play a mean honky muthafukka”. I’ve always treasured that.
And one last piece of advice: whatever happens to you, never forget about the littel people. I did once, that time in Ireland, and it cost me more than a pot of gold, I can tell you.
Pip Pip

Shona on 26th of August 2005

Just saw you on best of the fringe, I was so hoping you’d be on that program eventually after reading heaps of reviews.
Cool song, makes me wish I was down in Edinburgh to see the whole show! Get that DVD out quick!

Casey B on 25th of August 2005

Who saw this coming? Anyone with a brain, that’s who. Go the Minch!

Also: I think it’s not a bad thing to get a little (a very little) negative press at this stage of proceedings – just to dampen down those expectations a little so that you can BLOW THEM AWAY when they come to see. And when they come to see, they come to know. They Shall Tremble In His Wake.

bRitt-laden on 25th of August 2005


Yay for Perrier’s. Yay for new-comers.

You are just so HOT right now aren’t ya?!

Go Timmy – Go Timmy – GO!


The Butterfly Boys on 25th of August 2005

Congrats on making the Perrier best newcomer shortlist Tim!!! Trust it doesn’t signal a change to a diet of fizzy water.

Vickytoria on 24th of August 2005


María on 23rd of August 2005

I was trying to look for the lyrics to one of your songs in the Internet this morning. I should have known better than googleing “ten foot cock” first, and then “few hundred virgins”.

Are you going to sell a CD of Dark Side?

Beetle Bailey on 22nd of August 2005

Dear Mr Minchin

I am a little confused.

Your reviews keep comparing us and I can not see why.

One of us is a two dimensional satirical cartoon, enlisted in a proffession he dosen’t want to be in and generally seen as a figure of ridicule and the other isn’t.


What newspaper are you published in?

Who draws you?

Have you ever ben in colcour like me? Or republished? or read by people in toilets?

Yours in Confusion

Beetle Bailey esq
Korean War

Steve on 22nd of August 2005


I saw your set at last night’s Spank, and will now definitely be fitting in your full show to my schedule at some point this week.

You brought the house down (risky at the Underbelly, what with their lack of fire exits!). My face was in agony after laughing the whole way through your set.

Everyone with me agreed you were the highlight of the evening.

Nice one!

Renee on 22nd of August 2005

Franklin, a video of myself (and three friends) naked at the top of Mt Wellington in the snow was recently broadcast to the public at the Uni Bar in Hobart. Apparently your invitation got lost. What a pity.

Hey Tim, let us know how the Fringe Ashes go. :D

Franklin Lee Fansam on 21st of August 2005

Oh dear, ‘Renee’, how you vex and irritate me with your pathetic ranting.
I am, however, still madly and passionately in love with you (I note the photos must have got lost in the mail). They can never take my love for you away from me. They may take my indefatigable left-wing artistic anti-materialistic philosphy. They may take away my precious money. They may even take away my money money MONEY (my actual money).
But they will never take away my blindness I have for your soul and vision and etc.
I know my words probably bring tears to your eyes and other facial holes, but don’t fret, one day we will meat (a deliberate entendre).
‘Tim’, whoever you are, I hate you and love you at the same time. When I hear you sing, it’s like I’m standing on my head and drinking campari and letting it dribble out of my nostrils and then I stand up so it will dribble from my nostrils into my mouth and then I stand on my head again and so on.

Renee on 21st of August 2005

I think suicide bombers can be quite funny, if in the right context. :D

Just me?

Jorge Louis Borges on 20th of August 2005

Tim, once, a person attempted to criticise my work. It was, I admit, a rare experience. The article did nonetheless hurt me (probably because I had rolled up the newspaper in which it was printed and proceeded to poke myself in the eye with it).
Later I wrote more staggering works of genius and I forgot about the whole thing. I never complained.
Or cried.
Like you are doing.
Are you a sissy? Does Timmsy wimmsy need his mummy? Actually, I’m a big fan, and to cheer you up, here’s a part of a sentence from one of my stories, “…there, where the wogs sat and wank … schadenfreude is a fun way to spend a holiday with … hippo’s shit…”
I hope this inspires you, as it still does me. (even though I’m dead. Even though I’m Argentinian. Even though I’m blind. And dead and Argentinian).

P.Dante on 19th of August 2005

‘The stand up is serviceable and the satire is crispy thin… as funny as a suicide bomber’?
You can’t hide from Google, Tim. On the other hand, you can’t hide from suicide bombers, either. Come home to Tasmania. Mummy with the small face misses you. Waving her extra limb she cries: “on the other other hand, 90% of the reviews are hailing you as the funniest thing since how do you make Kings Cross (stamp on their backpacks)”.

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