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Matilda!
We can finally un-shush! Tim is currently writing the music and lyrics for the musical ‘Matilda’ with the Royal Shakespeare Company: an adaptation of the Roald Dahl children’s story about a very bright and rebellious little girl, with special powers. Mathew Warchus is directing, with a script by Dennis Kelly. It’s expected to open around Christmas 2010, in Stratford-upon-Avon.

You don’t need wits like Matilda’s to know this is going to be mind-blowing!

Due to a flatteringly high demand for tickets (which Tim will simply not allow to go to his head) several more dates have been added to the Australian Tour 2009. In fact there are now dates in the…future… 2010!

There is an additional date in Brisbane at QPAC in December 2009 and then in February 2010: Melbourne Palais Theatre, Sydney The State Theatre and Newcastle Civic Theatre.

For more information take a look at the GIGS page.

A third night at the Hammersmith Apollo on the 25th October has been announced. Tickets are on sale now from Ticketmaster, online [here], on the phone (08448 44 47 48) and at outlets.

Be there or be tragically unhip!

Ahhhh festivals. Last week I did the Big Chill. I got muddy cowboy boots which I still haven’t cleaned and briefly resented all the good-looking young people in deliberately comical hats and accidentally comical sunglasses… but then I did a really fun set in front of many of them and was yanked from my curmudgeonousness. Thanks, Youth.

The related news is this: I’m playing at Reading Festival on Friday 28th August and Leeds Festival on Saturday 29th August. I think I’ll be playing in the afternoons, but I’m not sure. And I don’t know how long I’ll be doing, but prob 30 mins or something. Think they’ll be fun.

Loads of cool acts there, including lovely friends of mine like Jamie Kilstein, Brendon Burns, Sarah Millican, Doug Stanhope and Stephen Grant.

Slightly updated list of places and venues below. Go to the GIGS page for details and links.

[A note on Inverness: I’m really sorry this date was pulled. Apparently the venue were unable to confirm my booking, so we had to bow out. We’re hoping to put a show on in Edinburgh that night instead. Which will be great, as I’m not going to the festival this year, but a bit sad, cos I really wanted to get further up north. Sigh. ]

Manchester Lowry; Derby Assembly Rooms; Warrington Parr Hall; Swansea Grand; Swindon Wyvern; Cheltenham Town Hall; Cardiff St Davids Hall; Southampton Guildhall; Norwich Theatre Royal; Buxton Opera House; Dublin Vicar Street; Brighton Dome; St Albans Alban Arena; Stoke-on-Trent Victoria Hall; York Grand Opera House; Cambridge Corn Exchange; High Wycombe Swan; Birmingham Town Hall; Coventry Warwick Arts Centre; Bradford St Georges Hall; Tunbridge Wells Assembly Hall; Bristol Colston Hall; Reading Hexagon; Newcastle City Hall; Perth Perth Concert Hall; Dunfermline Alhambra; Edinburgh Usher Hall; Glasgow Pavilion; Aberdeen Music Hall; Bournemouth Pavilion; Belfast Ulster Hall; Sheffield City Hall; Oxford New Theatre; London Hammersmith Apollo; Northampton Royal & Derngate; Nottingham Playhouse; Birmingham Symphony Hall.

So, just a couple of weeks til I start my tour of the frickin world. By which I mean Australia and New Zealand. And by New Zealand, I mean Auckland. And by Australia I mean some bits. The shows are selling pretty fast with some already completely sold out, so I reckon you should book, eh. 

EDIT: this was a post in which i replied to an email sent to me by a Homeopath who had found some comments I made in an Australian newspaper disparaging. A justifiable criticism, as I am often disparaging towards alternative medicine in both my act and – if the topic is raised – in interviews. 

I have removed it, as my job is to find funny ways of putting these opinions across, and in posting my response unsatirically I was crossing over into science blogging – a very well-populated sphere.

I am glad I posted it, because it created a conversation, and hopefully even made a few people look a bit further into this particularly insidious form of mumbo-jumbo. 

However, I don’t want to get into a situation where people Google me and find an abrasive essay on alternative medicine. I’d rather they found a stupid song. 

If you are interested in this topic, there are a million places to go. Check out Ben Goldacre’s Bad Science blog. Or go to Quackwatch – an extremely thorough resource. Steve Novella’s Science Based Medicine blog is- like all his work – wonderful.

Or for some building blocks type any of the following phrases into Google or Wikipedia:
Causal Fallacy
Confirmation Bias
Falsifiability
Scientific Method
Pseudoscience

… and get in amongst it.

This is the shit that gets me excited. This is my porn.
Is that wrong?
Happy reading. Tim.x
[insert laugh track]

I did a tour last year to which as many people came as there were seats available. Now unless there was an extraordinary cosmic coincidence and it just happened that at every venue I visited, the number of seats correlated exactly with the number of people who wanted to see my show, we can infer that in all probability there exist some people who wanted to see my show but were unable to, due to demand for seats exceeding supply of seats.

So. I’m going back on the road y’all. Fuckin yeah. Woot. et cetera.

During September and October, “READY FOR THIS?” will be playing at the following venues in the following order::

Salford Lowry; Derby Assembly Rooms; Warrington Parr Hall; Swansea Grand; Swindon Wyvern; Cheltenham Town Hall; Cardiff St Davids Hall; Southampton Guildhall; Norwich Theatre Royal; Buxton Opera House; Dublin Vicar Street; Brighton Dome; St Albans Alban Arena; Stoke-on-Trent Victoria Hall; York Grand Opera House; Cambridge Corn Exchange; High Wycombe Swan; Birmingham Town Hall; Coventry Warwick Arts Centre; Bradford St Georges Hall; Tunbridge Wells Assembly Hall; Bristol Colston Hall; Reading Hexagon; Newcastle City Hall; Perth Perth Concert Hall; Dunfermline Alhambra; Inverness Eden Court; Glasgow Pavilion; Aberdeen Music Hall; Bournemouth Pavilion; Belfast Ulster Hall; Sheffield City Hall; Oxford New Theatre; London Hammersmith Apollo.

Not all these dates are on sale yet, but I thought I’d give you kind persons the heads-up, as I don’t want you finding out some other way, and feeling all dirty and used. Keep an eye out on the gigs page for shows coming on sale.

My Australian tour seems to be selling with heart-warming rapidity. As a result, there have recently been extra shows added in Perth, Sydney, Wollongong and Adelaide and we’ve shifted to a bigger venue in Geelong. (If things continue like this, I’m going to buy myself a pair of trousers in celebration.) Yessirree.

Again, the place to find out about these shows and all the others is the gigs page.

This post is very linky ain’t it. I just like linking. I feel like Abraham Linkin’ would feel sitting in Linkin’ Park.

There are also a few shows happening in Auckland, New Zealand. Tickets for them ones is got by clickin’ here.

And as always, one must plug ones crap: Get a DVD. Buy a song.

Oo, oo, also, (almost forgot) I PROMISE there’ll be Tee Shirts (including a new design) and Canvas Bags on sale on this site by March. Not to mention the little detail of the “Ready For This? Live at the Queen Elizabeth Hall” album being available around the same time.

Oh, it’s all so exciting. I hope you are all healthy and amused.

tx

For those of you interested in the not-so-comic side of my songwriting…

“Drowned” – the ballad I wrote for the film “Two Fists One Heart” – has been released on itunes. This oughta take you straight there.

You can also watch the music video exclusively on this site. Check it out.

I will be conveying my medium-sized arse to Australiatown in March next year to perform my show, “Ready For This?” in various cities. I suspect it’s going to be pretty fun.

Here’s the plan:

Adelaide Her Majesty’s Theatre, Friday 13th – Saturday 14th March, 8.00pm
Tickets here!

Gold Coast Gold Coast Arts Centre, Sunday 15th March, 5.00pm.
Details here, or phone the Box Office on (07) 5588 4000

Brisbane The Powerhouse, Wednesday 18th – Sunday 22nd March, 9.30pm
Tickets here!

Wollongong Illawarra Performing Arts Centre, Friday 3rd April, 8.00pm
Tickets here!

Sydney The Enmore Theatre, Saturday 4th April, 8.00pm
Tickets here!

Geelong Performing Arts Centre, Thursday 9th April, 8.00pm
Tickets here!

Melbourne International Comedy Festival The Forum Theatre, 14th – 26th of April, 7.15pm. (No Monday show)
Tickets here!

Perth Concert Hall,Thursday 30th April, Saturday 2nd May, 8.00pm
Tickets here!

If you live in the top half of the world and feel subsequently left-out of the above plan, you can compensatorially furnish your home with my “So F**king Rock” DVD, which you can get here.

Sorry, this one very quick but informative.

1. I can be seen making an idiot of myself tonight on Never Mind The Buzzcocks. (This is a British panel show, for those elsewhere.)

2. On Sunday night, Channel 4 is screening the Secret Policeman’s Ball, during which I will perform… assuming they don’t cut me out. (This is a British Amnesty fundraiser, for those elsewhere.)

3. My new DVD, “So Fucking Rock” is available to pre-order from HMV ahead of its November release date. I’ll also being doing a gig at HMV in Oxford St closer to its release. Stay tuned.

tim xx

Martin Martini and the Bone Palace Orchestra are playing at the Soho Theatre in London for the rest of this week.

This music is original, brilliant, cool, weird, uplifting, thoughtful and just plain mad, and is performed with a manic insanity the likes of which you have never seen.

You know I don’t spam much, and never about other acts, but you MUST go and see them if you can get to London this week. If you happen to like me, this guy and his band have been described as a mixture between me and Tom Waits.

9:30 pm at the Soho Theatre. Do it. Buy a furkin ticket.

tx

Hi. Just a quick one.

Next Sunday 13th July, I’m performing alongside Jo Brand, Jo Neary, Jo Enright, Ed Byrne, Milton Jones,
Steve Merchant, Mark Steel, Mat Holness, Dan Antopolski and the great Robin Ince to raise money for the Childhood Cancer Research Fund. Pretty amazing lineup I reckon, more Jos than you can shake a stick at, and obviously a seriously worthy cause. Hope you can come.

Also, I am doing four previews of my Edinburgh show, “Ready For This” at Soho Theatre in late July. Tickets here. They (the shows, not the tickets) should be fun and a bit messy. Featuring brand new hits – that at the time of posting I still haven’t finished – such as “Feminist”, “The Good Book”, and “Racist”.

x

Hello hello hello.

As you may have noticed, I’ve posted all the Autumn tour dates of my new show, “Ready For This”, on my gigs page. Scary huh?

And Linzy, bless her, has made this ace mappy thing for those of you who crave cartographical augmentation of the temporal.

tx.

The writing of this post finds me well and truly back in the United Kingdom Kingdom Repeated.

And that, dear friends, is the extent of my justification for my title.

I feel like I ought to write a proper blog for once, one in which I actually regale my patient reader with reflections on my activities, rather than simply advertising my latest gig behind a thin veil of over-short sentences and mildly amusing non-sequiturs. Unfortunately, I’m not a natural anecdotalist. I know that that sounds ridiculous, given my chosen profession, but it’s true. Even the most exciting events in my life can be rendered completely suburban in my retelling. However, there has been a small wave of requests for details about my US trip, so I’m going to try.

Thus:

We flew to New York in an aeroplane. (Or as the Americans call them “Airplane”! Huh! Hahaha! Airplane! Hahaha!!! Crazy Americans!!). The driver who took us to our hotel asked me what I did and I told him I was a comedian and THAT is a mistake I will never make again. He told me countless jokes on that seemingly eternal drive, my favourite of which was, Why did the rake break up with his girlfriend? Because she was a ho., and my least favourite was something to do with Mexicans at airports. I didn’t understand the latter, because I’m not fully versed in the subtleties of the local racialist oral tradition yet. I will be though. Bloody Mexicans with their… hats… and their… outdoor parties with

Drinks.

The hotel we stayed in was nice. The restaurant downstairs was said to be owned by that irascible British gastronome, Gordon Ramsey, but I heard no foul-mouthed rants from the kitchen nor caught sight of the famous leathery scowl even once. I did however pay $US110 for breakfast on our first morning there, so I believe the rumour to be true. After that morning, I chose to break my fast at more economical eateries.

The venue in New York was called Ars Nova. That’s Latin for “New Arts”. I assume it was named thus because they were trying to target a Latin-speaking audience – in a country like America, it’s all about cornering a niche market. Unfortunately, it’s more likely to be translated as Butt Star by the average punter. Assuming, that is, that I am the average punter. Which I think I am. I punt mean. (That’s a pun. The mean bit, I mean.)

Language barriers, quotients and flat-bottomed boats aside, it was an amazing room. Only tiny, but the piano was great and the gear was great and the people were fantastic. Such a cool venue. The shows went great. There was clapping and drinking of wine. I met a couple of people who had traveled large distances to see my show, based only on my youtube presence and the enthusiasm of my UK and Australian fans. They were nuts and extremely nice. Just like my UK and Australian fans.

New York City is cool. If you like feeling you’re watching a TV show from the inside, you’ll like New York. I don’t like that feeling, but once I’d shaken it off, I liked the city very much. The people are nearly all Americans there, and for the first 24 hours I just wanted to shout, EVERYBODY JUST STOP FUCKING SMILING AT ME AND TELLING ME TO HAVE A NICE FUCKING DAY, but I didn’t which was good because you get used to it pretty quickly. I went up the Rockefeller centre and looked off the edge. It’s high. I like the Chrysler Building best.

We caught an airplane (when in Rome etc) to Las Vegas next. Everything that can be said about Las Vegas has been said. Oh except this: It’s a place where if you leave your ipod in the ipod dock in the obscenely massive hotel room, you won’t ever see it again. And maybe also:

It’s ridiculously hypocritical for I who, like all of you, live in the unprecedented luxury of the western world surrounded by everything I want or need and with more wealth than 96% of the earth’s population, to get on my soap-box about affluence, but. Vegas is fucking awful. I struggled to have a sense of humour about it. Perhaps the best symbol of the… discardability of the place is the “Colosseum” – a 5000 seat venue which they built for Celine’s show and which apparently is now to be torn down. And named after one of the most permanent and extraordinary human-built structures on earth. I dunno. When is irony not funny? About then I reckon. The whole place feels exactly like Sideshow Alley did at the Royal Show: a simultaneously cheap and expensive oversupply of crappy, shiny, colourful ephemera. Like an extra-marital one night stand or a Big Mac: even while you’re digging in and enjoying it, you’re suffering from premature remorse.

I did one 40 minute set in Vegas as part of the HBO Comedy Festival. It was OK. It was in a ballroom at Caesar’s Palace and I didn’t like the vibe of the room at all. Spoke to Mr Izzard after he had done a gig later that night in a (much bigger) ballroom in the same Hotel, and he hated it too. So Eddie and I have that in common, at least. Jerry (you know who I mean… my mate Jezza Seiny) was doing the Colosseum on the same night. I didn’t chat to him about it, but I think he went OK. Obviously he would have struggled to sell tickets, but I hope he doesn’t resent me – it’s not my fault we were billed at the same time.

So from Vegas, we went to LA. We hired a big car and I played some pool at Roger Taylor’s house. Not THAT Roger Taylor, the other one – the drummer from Queen. Cool huh. He wasn’t home, but I don’t think he would have minded. Oh and the shows were pretty good. And I had loads of meetings with people. And they were nice. I signed with an agent called Richard. He seems good. He’s going to either make me a movie star, or not make me a movie star. Huh! What are the odds on one of those things happening? Crazy Americans.

And then we took an aeroplane to Australia. We were on the same flight as Damon Herriman who was previously my hero and is now my friend. For you Australians, he played George on Love My Way. And he’s brilliant. Oh and he was the weird hick guy who picked up the dude and the chick in his pickup truck in House Of Wax. Huh. I liked the bit when Paris got the thing through her head. Huh. Huhuh.

I had a fine old time in Australia. There was a beach and I chose to go to it quite a lot. I got a tiny bit brown. My baby went in the ocean and that is good. I saw my mum and yes, I drank white wine in the sun y’all.

And so, on we go.

Some of you reading type people will now know that my next big coming-up-thingy is a 6-week run in New York, starting on March 3rd. I’ll be performing at the New World Stages six nights a week until April 12th. Unless, of course, I don’t sell tickets and we have to close the season early, but that will never happen because everyone in the whole of New York is going to be rushing for tickets. “Why”, you ask? Because if they don’t, I’ll have to close early. And that, my lovelies, is an example of Petitio Principii, or begging the question. Sort of.

You may encourage your buddies in New York to click here to buy tickets. If you are actually in or around New York yourself and would like to buy tickets, then you my special friend, should click here.

My Edinburgh and Glasgow shows this weekend have sold out, which is very exciting. I do hope you enjoy yourselves, you Scots.

tim.
x